Episode 192 – The Gathering Storm – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 192 Show Notes

Source: Arthurian Legend

This week on MYTH, we’ll ride once more with King Arthur as he begins his rule over London. You’ll see that half-demons give the best advice, that building a castle basically makes it yours, and that being polite in a fight can get you killed. Then, in Gods and Monsters, a king will have an encounter with a giant and Nix Nought Nothing. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 192, “The Gathering Storm”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
It’s time to head back to merry old England to catch up with the young King Arthur, who has drawn the sword from the stone (many times, in fact) and finally been crowned king, as is his birthright. This story picks up where Episode 175 left off. As always, we’ll be using Thomas Malory’s Le Morte d’Arthur as the primary source for this tale, supplemented by the French Vulgate (also known as the Lancelot-Grail Cycle) which was likely written by multiple authors.
Last time, Arthur, son of the old king Uther Pendragon who was hidden away from the world by the half-demon wizard Merlin, rose from his (relatively) humble station as squire to a hedge knight to become king. The great lords of the kingdom were not especially thrilled to be ruled over by someone who appeared to be of humble birth and so they tried to weasel out of the supernatural appointment of Arthur as king by the magical sword driven into the anvil and stone that had appeared in the churchyard. Magic is not so easily sidestepped however, and none of them could budge the sword so much as an inch even though Arthur was able to draw it forth and return it time and time again. Despite this, there was still a great deal of secret (and not-so-secret) grumbling about the lowborn king.
A coronation feast was held where the treacherous barons absolutely planned to murder the shit out of their new king and go back to their civil war. Arthur wisely slipped out ahead of their long knives. As the young king holed up in another castle, the barons partied until the half-demon wizard Merlin reappeared with a lot of fanfare. He encouraged the barons to meet with Arthur under a truce to tell them the secret news that had brought him out of over a decade of hiding. Once everyone is assembled, he reveals the secret of Arthur’s birth, namely that he is the rightful son and heir of the late king Uther Pendragon. The clergy and commoners were convinced by the wizard’s words, but the barons were still angling for one of their own number to rule, so they decided to besiege the king, royal lineage or no. With some mystic help from Merlin, Arthur leads the charge against the barons’ army and breaks the six rebellious kings, driving them away in defeat. They weren’t done making trouble though – not by a long shot.
Arthur knew that his enemies had lost the battle but not yet the war. They would be back. Thus he thought it prudent to return to his seat in Carduel in Wales; from there, he raised soldiers and knights anywhere he could find loyal men, arming and outfitting them for the coming war. Most of his forces were made up of commoners or poor hedge knights, who loved their new king way, way more than any of the barons. The six feuding kings valued only noble knights of strong houses, so everyone else had been neglected in the long years of war since King Uther’s death. With troops thus distributed throughout the cities that were not overtly loyal to the barons, said cities were fortified, their forts and castles strengthened. It was only a matter of time before the wars started again.
Having thus secured the kingdom as well as he could for the moment, it was time for the newly-crowned king to hold court for the first time. Naturally, he chose to do so in the city of Logres, which is now known as London. The first order of business was naturally to dub a bunch of new knights who would be loyal to Arthur. They all paid their king homage and swore fealty; in return, he granted them land and the incomes associated with said land, allowing them to support their new knightly lifestyles. As you might imagine, this created some very fierce loyalty in these previously neglected peoples. According to the story, the fealty of these new knights burned so fiercely that they never failed him, not even when it cost them their lives.
So up until now, Arthur had been accepting Merlin’s help for two reasons: he had very publicly been a friend to the old king (who was also Arthur’s mystery dad) and because everyone had heard the stories of the clever old wizard. Now that things were temporarily settled, Merlin figured it was time for the new king to know exactly who his new advisor was. We covered his story in depth way back in Episode 98, but the short version is this. His mother was almost burned at the stake for a crime she had been accused of (usually consorting with a demon, which to be fair, she totally did). The evil Vortigern had sent people out in search of her and, more importantly, of her son. She had fled, taking the veil in a nunnery to hide them both. He told Arthur of the prophecy of the two dragons and of Vortigern’s death, of how he had become a friend to Uther and of how he had foreseen the battle that ended the old king’s life.
He told Arthur also of how he had magically disguised Uther to sneak into the bedchamber of Duchess Ygraine in the castle of Tintagel, and how their adultrous fucking had begotten Arthur. He spoke of how Ygraine had many daughters, one of whom married King Lot, one of the rebellious barons. That couple had a son named Gawain (yes, that Gawain), the eldest, as well as four younger sons: Agravain, Guerrehet, Gaheriet, and Mordred, the youngest. The story actually uses the name Gawainet here, a diminutive meaning little, referring to the knight’s youth. “Listen to me well, my king – young Gawain will be the most loyal knight of any born as well as one of the most skilled to ever live. Win his loyalty, and he will follow you over anyone else, even his own father. His strength joined with yours will ensure that you can win this war with the barons and take back the lands that should be part of your kingdom. The rebellious knights will fall in line out of fear of the flashing sword and keen lance of Gawain.”
“Another of Ygraine’s daughters by previous husbands is married to King Neutres (also one of the rebellious barons), and together they have a son. He’s a handsome lad named Galescalain. Yvain the Great, son of Urien (who is also married to a daughter of Ygraine but is not one of the great barons) will also be a true friend to you if you can win him to your cause. None of these men have yet been dubbed as knights, so I recommend that you do so by your own hand, binding them to you forever. They will serve you well and they will bring many noble knights to your banners with them.
“I know that you’re itching to take the fight to the disloyal barons but I would counsel something else, my liege. Across the sea in Little Brittany live two kings, brothers married to sisters. These two men will each have sons who will one day be great servants of yours if you can bring them to your banners. The elder is Ban of Benoic and the younger is Bors of Gaunes (also known as Gaul, in France). They have a third neighbor, a very wicked man named King Claudas who desires their kingdoms to be added to his own. I ask that you send word to them that you wish to speak with them here in Logres on All Saints’ Day because you will be holding court, sending for all throughout the land who mean to swear fealty to you. Not everyone who answers this call will do so for good and noble reasons, but these two brothers will. Become their friend and offer to aid them in their war against the cruel but rich King Claudas.
“When court ends, tell them in secret that you mean to go to Carhaix in Carmelide to aid King Leodagan. Ask them to accompany you. This is how you can earn their trust and when your enemies try to stop you from returning, and they will, these two brothers will ensure that you can cut through their armies. As for me, I’ll be heading back out into the woods for a time. My father’s nature is in me, which drives me to spend so much time out there. Being, you know, a fucking demon, he’s not super on board with any friends that are good or aligned with the will of God in any way. To be clear, fuck that dude. I’m not going out to the woods to spend time with dear old dad, but with the hermit Blaise, a holy man who lives alone out there. It helps keep me sane. Literally. But don’t worry – if you should ever need me, I swear that I will be there to counsel you. I won’t always look like me though. Part of the whole half-demon wizard package is the ability to disguise myself, so I’ll pretty often come see you as somebody else so that your enemies don’t realize how often you and I are actually talking. Now I need you to promise me that you’ll keep everything I just told you a secret. Giving me away to the public would hurt us both quite a bit.”
Arthur was more than willing to swear this oath. He considered Merlin a friend already in addition to his closest royal adviser. What’s more, he swore that he would never go against Merlin’s advice unless absolutely necessary. And thus was the pact forged between king and wizard. This last business settled, it was time to celebrate the new king’s coronation. The festivities lasted for a full week, and the commoners loved their new king. They had already been saved by his skill and tactical insight once, and they delighted in watching him tilt at a dummy they set up in the town square to demonstrate his knightly skills.
As soon as the first celebration was over, it was time to start planning the next one to be held on All Saints’ Day. Orders were sent out across the land as Merlin had advised. Many came to his summons and some refused. The king warned these latter men that they would have to make amends for the insult. You know, later. When the king had time to get around to it. He was still kind of busy with the full-scale rebellion going on (which was a big part of why some of them refused to kneel to the new king). Ulfin and Bretel were sent as the king’s personal messengers to speak with Kings Ban and Bors, an honor. This was also a savvy pick because those two knights had befriended the two kings back in Uther Pendragon’s day, so their word would go far.
They crossed the sea (now the English Channel) to Little Brittany in modern France. Almost as soon as they landed, the two knights saw the evidence of the cruel King Claudas. They rode through a wasteland, with many of the towns along their path burned to the ground without a soul left alive. They eventually came to a city named Benoic, now known as Bourges, in central France that was claimed by Claudas. They learned that the war had begun when King Ban built a castle on land that was disputed between himself and Claudas. The latter demanded that the new fortress be turned over to him, which Ban obviously refused to do. It’s not clear who actually had a proper claim to the land, but Ban had built the castle and possession is nine-tenths of the law, especially when you have an army to back you up.
That was all more or less normal minor king shit, with borders being only as solid as a king’s ability to defend it. Claudas went and violated the rules of war though by invading Ban’s lands without challenging the king himself i.e., without actually declaring war. Claudas’ army ran unchecked through the undefended lands of his contentious neighbor, burning down towns and taking anything that wasn’t nailed down as plunder. Since most of those towns had no walls to speak of, it was easy for Claudas’ trained knights to ride roughshod over the peasants there. They found the walled citadel built by Ban much harder to chew though.
The invading army encircled the keep, which was defended by ample crossbowmen and trained soldiers, led by a steward named Gratian who was godfather to one of King Ban’s sons. Ban was not himself in this keep since, as previously mentioned, Claudas had thrown honor out the window by not declaring his intentions to go to war. He didn’t spend time on a pity party though; he knew exactly how much devastation an army on the march could cause and he also knew how to maneuver his own army into position to counter the invaders. When the two met, a fierce battle began between them with many slain on both sides. King Ban was a menace on the field, leaving a swath of dead foes behind him as he rode. Claudas knew he was no match for the deadly King Ban, so like a coward, he fled the field, abandoning his men, his equipment, and the prisoners they had taken. As we saw previously, it was common at that time to take foes from noble or rich houses hostage rather than slaying them, selling them back to their families after the battle was over.
Ban’s brother King Bors wasn’t exactly idle during all of this. While Claudas was thus occupied, he rode into Gaunes, burning Claudas’ towns and fields exactly as the wicked king had burned his brother’s. He laid such waste in retribution that it was impossible to find the meagerest bit of shelter for 15 leagues, or 45 miles. Which is great from a tactical perspective but really sucks for the poor peasants who had done nothing but be born on the wrong patch of land. Forced to retreat and impoverished by all of the abandoned treasure and equipment, King Claudas was unable to pay King Ban at the moment, but that didn’t mean he had stopped plotting his revenge.
The two messengers continued on through the land that had not yet begun to heal until they came to Trebe, the castle that Ban had built to kick the whole affair off in the first place. It was a very strong keep built atop a tall hill to dominate the surrounding landscape. At this point since the war with Claudas was essentially paused, Ban’s wife Queen Elaine was ruling over the stronghold. Despite being only 26, she was a very worthy and respected lady in her own right, as was her sister who had married Ban’s brother Bors. It’s not, but it feels somehow incestuous for the two brothers to be married to the two sisters. Maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, in Trebe, Ulfin and Bretel learned that Ban had gone to Benoic to take counsel with his brother. That was simultaneously convenient and inconvenient – the two kings were together, but they were together quite some ways away yet. The two knights took their leave of the queen and rode out. The war had moved on, but the local area was by no means safe to travel in. Bandits and outlaws had moved into the waste, robbing and murdering the unwary. Both men wore their arms and armor openly, keeping a careful eye out for trouble.
They had gone about five leagues, or 15 miles, when they saw seven knights approaching from the opposite direction. By their armor and coats of arms, Ulfin and Bretel knew them to have once been in the household of King Claudus. They had clearly turned bandit now, out for whatever they could take by strength of arms. There wasn’t much plunder to be had what with everything for miles having been burned to ash, driving the surviving people to flee to nearby cities or walled strongholds with everything they could carry with them. Any plunder had already been picked clean, leaving these outlaw knights hungry and desperate.
The seven saw the two messengers at almost the same moment. Being trained warriors, they could tell that the foreigners’ horses were fine animals, worth a pretty penny. “Look at those two mighty stallions! We can’t let those two assholes take them away from here.” One of the knights looked more closely at the two messengers, who had slowed cautiously. “I don’t think they’re from around here. Look, their armor is totally different from anything we have.” A second stepped up beside the first to eye the strangers. “You’re right. They have to be knights though. They were well-crafted armor and weapons, and they move like trained fighters. They must be in service to someone very powerful.” A third smacked both of his fellows in the back of the heads. “Who gives a shit who they serve? They’re here now with expensive armor and mighty nice horses. Come on, lads! Let’s take their shit and make it our shit.”
The third outlaw, who acted as the leader for the small band, spurred his horse forward, riding hard for the two foreigners. “Don’t fucking move! This land belongs to King Claudus, so if you serve that asshole Ban or his bastard brother Bors, then you’re dead. If you serve the good and rightful king then have no fear! We guard these roads in his name, ensuring that none who are not permitted travel this way. You will have to pay a toll and leave your arms and horses as collateral. Be grateful that we’re generously letting you keep your lives and your freedom.” Ulfin and Bretel shared a look. They knew this scam and they weren’t about to roll over for it, outnumbered or no.
Ulfin rode a few steps forward. “Are you in such a hurry to meet your doom, dickhead? I don’t know who you are, but you sound like a boastful blowhard with bone where your brain should be. How dare you abandon your knightly honor to demand a toll from a knight-errant? And you don’t even have the courtesy to threaten us politely! Fuck you!” Bretel stepped up beside his fellow. “Not sure that was the wisest way to handle this, but I guess we’re in it now.” So saying, he spurred his horse forward, lowering his lance. The outlaw saw him coming and affixed his own shield into place before charging out to meet Bretel. Both shields shattered as the two knights crashed together, Bretel avoiding having his heart pierced by his foe’s lance only by the thickness of his hauberk. He had the better of the exchange though. His foe’s shattered shield was driven clean through his shoulder, knocking him from his horse and pinning his body to the dust, the bloody tip of the lance embedding itself in the earth. The outlaw passed out from the agony of his grievous wound.
Bretel trotted over and yanked his lance, which was still in one piece, from the fallen outlaw. “There you go. Now you can nap here as long as you like. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble extorting your totally lawful tolls from down there.” With a last sneer, Bretel wheeled around and returned to Ulfin’s side. For his part, the latter was more glad than ever that Bretel was on his side. Seeing their leader bleeding out from a single well-placed lance, the other six knights were infuriated. How dare they fight back instead of being quietly robbed!
Following action movie rules, they didn’t all charge at once and overwhelm the two with their three-to-one odds. Instead, two of the knights spurred their horses forward to charge at the two messengers. Ulfin and Bretel saw them coming, sighed with exasperation, and charged. Bretel must have had a second shield because both of them apparently lowered their shields as they galloped, lances lowering into place. Bretel let his lance drift high, catching his opponent in the throat and killing him instantly. Ulfin was less showy, aiming for center mass. His lance exploded past the shield and through the knight’s hauberk and out between his shoulder blades. The man fell from his horse with the lance still embedded in his flesh.
Seeing three of their number fallen, the four knights all charged at once. Just kidding, of course they didn’t. No, two of them peeled off and charged at the two victors once more, shouting that they would avenge their companions or die trying. “Then perish.” And Bretel and Ulfin charged again, drawing their bloody lances from the corpses of the dead. The four knights met in another thunderous crash, and the two outlaw knights felt their lances shatter harmlessly against their foes’ armor. Bretel’s lance pierced his foe’s shield, armor, and body, driving him from the saddle to pin him to the ground where he choked on his own blood. Ulfin’s foe managed to meet the lance correctly to avoid being impaled, but the force of the knight’s great charge was enough to bring outlaw and horse down as one. The outlaw knight was tangled in his saddle, unable to roll away as the weight of his steed shattered his neck.
The last two surviving outlaw knights saw five of their number now dead or dying and decided that discretion was the better part of valor. They ran the fuck away, bravely ran the fuck away. Bretel laughed at the retreating men and the splayed corpses around him. “Go ahead and threaten us now, my lords! You have our leave to guard the roads.” Having thus handily defeated the outlaws, the two messengers rode on until evening when they finally reached Benoic. Here at last they saw the armies of the two kings gathered to their lords. They rode straight up to the main hall, gave their horses to a squire to care for, and asked to be shown to the kings. “King Ban and King Bors are in private counsel together in another room.”
That was fine by Ulfin and Bretel. They had ridden hard and fought harder, so they were perfectly content to rest for a bit as they waited for the meeting to finish. At least the two men were together and could receive Arthur’s message at the same time. While they were thus waiting, a knight named Pharian came to speak with them. He recognized the two knights from years before and shouted a friendly greeting as he approached. “What bring you two wonderful assholes all the way out here? Are you trying to speak to the kings?” “Good to see you two, buddy. And yeah, that’s exactly what we’re doing.” “Well then let’s go speak with them. No need for two knights as renowned as you to wait out here.” And Pharian led them into the room where the brother kings were meeting.
Kings Ban and Bors rose to greet the two messengers as they were led in. With them was Sir Leonce of Payerne. He’s not important but this is supposedly a history, so sometimes they just throw names at you. The small room was apparently a bedroom, so it didn’t have an abundance of extra chairs. The two messengers weren’t picky, so they made themselves comfortable on the bed, which is something you don’t see enough of in medieval movies and shows. They relayed Arthur’s message in its entirety, relating the whole battle between the new king and the six rebellious barons in the process. “Merlin apparently named you two specifically as people King Arthur should reach out to and invite to join him at court for All Saints’ Day.”
The two kings frowned at this. “We would love to go and visit with the new king, but as you can see, we’re in the middle of a war with Claudas. He’s on the back foot right now, but if we leave to go across the sea to Logres, there’s nothing to stop him from invading and ravaging our kingdoms. We have a duty to protect our people.” Ulfin and Bretel nodded sagely at these words. “We would expect no less of honorable kings, my lords. You have the word of the mighty wizard Merlin that your lands will be safe while you’re away, though. He has peered through the mists of time and made sure you would not be abandoning your duties.”
Well now, that changed things. Everyone had heard of the impossible powers of the mighty half-demon wizard though they hadn’t expected him to use them on behalf of two men he had never met. No one wanted an angry wizard (that whole subtle and quick to anger thing comes from the OG Merlin after all), so they agreed to heed his counsel. Ban and Bors would need three days to prepare and then they would set out for Logres with Ulfin and Bretel.
Business was thus concluded and it was King Ban’s turn to play good host. He ordered a servant to come and help his two guests out of their armor, insisting that they stay with him until he and his brother were ready to leave. This revealed the battering that their armor and shields had so recently taken, and the two kings asked the messengers what had happened, invoking their allegiance to Arthur to insist that they tell the whole, unvarnished truth. Ulfin and Bretel then related the whole story that we’ve just heard and won’t be rehashing. The local knights were duly impressed by the two men taking on seven knights and winning, and were roundly praised for their actions. Everyone sat down to an impromptu banquet where they were asked to recount their triumphs from the time of the old King Uther.
True to their word, the two kings were ready to leave in three days. Leonces of Payerne, who was their first cousin, was left behind as steward over their lands with Pharian as his co-steward – two men for two kingdoms. And that’s basically the whole reason those two guys were mentioned at all. The stewards were told to send for the kings if they were needed, and Ban left them with his ring to send as proof that any message truly came from them. Everything was settled at last, so the two kings and the two messengers set out for Logres. It was several days of hard travel to reach the sea, but they crossed it without trouble.
And so with Merlin’s clever machinations with brother Kings Ban and Bors underway, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s oddly-named hero is Nix Nought Nothing.
This story comes from English Fairy Tales, collected by Joseph Jacobs in 1892. As with many British things, it is actually a Scottish tale that was collected by Andrew Lang from an old woman in Morayshire, Scotland. Anywho, once upon a time, there lived a king and queen like any number of other queens and kings throughout history. They had been married a long time but, despite a lot of enthusiastic trying, they had no children. After some more vigorous trying, the couple finally had their very own baby boy. O frabjous day, calloo callay! Alas, the king was off doing king shit when his son was actually born, so he was far off in a foreign country.
The queen knew how much her husband had longed for a child, so she didn’t want to christen him with a proper name until his father could be here to help. “But I suppose we have to call him something in the meantime. Not an actual name though, I don’t want to get attached. How about we just call him Nix Nought Nothing for now? Just until his father comes home.” King shit can take time though, so by the time that the boy’s father was finally able to return back to his own kingdom to meet his son, he wasn’t an infant anymore but a toddler.
Things had apparently changed in the years that he had been gone. The king came to a river that was far too wide to cross, especially since it had a massive whirlpool in the middle of it. I don’t know if there had once been a bridge or if the river had just been a lot smaller before, but the king was stuck. As he stood there, stymied, a giant wandered up to the king. “Are you trying to cross the river, your majesty?” The king nodded slowly. “I can carry you over, easy peasy.” “Uh huh, I’m sure you will. And what would the cost of such a passage be?” The giant smiled widely (not that he could smile any other way with his enormous face but the king didn’t like the looks of it all the same). “Oh, nothing much. Just give me Nix Nought Nothing, and I’ll carry you across the river on my back.”
The king felt sure that there was some catch he wasn’t seeing, but the giant had clearly asked for Zero Zilch Nada in return for his errand. You see, the king had no idea that his son was being called by this nonsense non-name. I don’t know if he’s not writing to his wife or if she just hasn’t told her husband about the placeholder she’s using for the son who hasn’t officially been named and won’t be until the king’s return. Thus he saw no reason to object to the terms of the bargain. “I can’t argue with a price that good. I’ll agree to your terms and throw my thanks in for free.”
The giant was as good as his word and the king was soon safely across. He hurried the rest of the way home, anxious to see his wife again and finally meet his son. The couple embraced tearfully, happy to finally be together again. The queen then presented the young prince to meet his father for the first time. “I’ve been waiting until you came home to christen him, so he doesn’t have a name. I’ve just been calling him Nix Nought Nothing until we could finally be a family again.” The poor king stopped dead at those words. “Our son is called Nix Nought Nothing? Oh fuck, I’ve made a terrible mistake! I was stuck on the wrong side of a river on my way home, and a giant promised to carry me across the river as long as I gave him Nix Nought Nothing. I had no idea what I was agreeing to!”
In any just legal system, this kind of trickery would be hard to defend in court. In the wild west of the world of fairy tales though, this kind of agreement with a supernatural being is absolutely binding. And the king knew it. The royal couple held each other, aghast and dismayed at this terrible turn of events. They cried as they clung together, but their tears dried in time and they began to try and think of a way out of it. They had no intention of just handing their one and only son over to a fucking giant. “But we have to give him someone. What about the hen-wife’s kid? He’s about the right age. The giant can’t possibly know our son well enough to tell the difference.”
It’s an elegant solution though an incredibly brutal and selfish one. Simply executing a peasant child instead of a royal one wasn’t honorable, but the couple didn’t much care. The next day, the giant showed up to claim his prize and the king sent for the hen-wife’s boy. They had absolutely not discussed their unscrupulous plan with either mother or son, so the boy answered the royal summons at once. The giant had no reason to believe this boy wasn’t the prince, so he took the child on his back and went on his way.
The pair traveled this way until they came to a big stone, and the giant sat down to rest, leaning against the stone. “Hidge hodge on my back, what time of day is that?” It probably rhymes better in the Scottish dialect. The poor, terrified boy answered honestly, having no reason not to. “It’s the time when my mom, the hen-wife, always gathers up the eggs for the queen’s breakfast.” The giant froze. He wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but even he realized that the kid on his back was an imposter. Furious, he seized the child, who had done nothing wrong, and bashed his brains against the stone. The only mercy was that the child died instantly, hopefully without enough time to realize what was happening to him.
In a towering rage, the giant thundered back to the castle. Again he demanded that the king and queen hand over their son, Nix Nought Nothing. They were just as unwilling to let a giant steal away and likely murder their one and only son, so they again sacrificed an innocent poor person instead. This time, it was the gardener’s son who was summoned. The giant stared at him for a moment, but he couldn’t tell one child from another, so he accepted that this time, it really was the prince, even though it wasn’t.
Carrying the gardener’s son on his back, the giant returned back the way he had come. He paused to rest again at the stone, the splattered brain and gore of the dead hen-wife’s kid still plainly visible on it. “Hidge hodge on my back, what time of day is that?” Like his doomed predecessor, the kid had no reason to lie, so he answered honestly. “It’s about the time that my mother takes the vegetables up from the garden for the queen’s dinner, Mr. Giant.” Even more furious at being tricked a second time, the giant seized the second innocent sacrifice and smashed his skull against the rock, splattering his brains atop those of the dead hen-wife’s son. Abandoning this second dead child, the giant stormed back to the castle.
“Twice now you have deceived me! If you don’t bring me the real Nix Nought Nothing right this fucking second, I will tear this castle down brick by brick and murder every last living soul inside it! Hand. Over. The. Prince.” Terrified, the king and queen finally yielded up their own son. Their clever plan had done nothing except buy the prince a few extra hours at the price of two dead children. Sure hope it was worth it. I mean, he’s rich and royal, so he probably isn’t losing much sleep over some poor person’s kid.
The giant placed the real Nix Nought Nothing on his back and stormed away from the castle, now very much aware that this could be yet another trick on the part of the king, who refused to honor bargains. They journeyed until they reached the stone where two innocent boys had been brained to death that day. The giant sat down and leaned against the stone to rest. I have to imagine that the prince is terrified of everything going on, but especially of the very clear signs of fresh violence. He probably doesn’t know exactly what the giant has done to the other children, but he’s surely aware of giants from his own bedtime stories.
“Hidge hodge on my back, what time of day is that?” And the tiny prince answered honestly: “it’s the time of day when my father the king usually sits down for supper.” The giant smiled at that. “Ah, good, Got the right one finally.” Having thus defeated the king’s attempted treachery, the giant rose to his feet and carried the prince away to the giant’s house out in the woods.
Given the giant’s terrible temper and marked propensity towards senseless violence, you might be surprised to learn that his intention was simply to raise young Nix Nought Nothing himself. But there it was. The young boy lived with his new giant foster father until he was a young man and his life at the castle was nothing but a foggy memory. The giant also had a daughter who was very beautiful. The two of them were raised together and became quite fond of one another, which isn’t surprising given that they’re likely the only two creatures of their own ages that they’ve seen for years and years.
One day, the giant sat Nix Nought Nothing (who had never been christened with a proper name and now thought of that string of nonsense as his only true name) to talk with him. “I have to go away for work tomorrow. There’s a stable seven miles long and seven miles wide that hasn’t been cleaned in seven years. While I’m gone, you’ll need to clean it. If you fail, I’ll smash your skull in and eat you for supper.” So much for any familial love from the giant who’s raised this young man for most of his life. And yes, this particular task is lifted directly from one of the labors of Heracles, which we will need to cover at some point.
The next morning, the giant rose bright and early and headed out on whatever giant shit he had to take care of. Nix Nought Nothing rose early as well (maybe even earlier, though the story isn’t clear) and got to work on his literal shit task. Towards mid-morning, the giant’s daughter went out with a packed breakfast for the young man since she figured (correctly) that he had been too anxious to eat before leaving. She found him having a well-deserved panic attack. The stables were every bit as filthy and disgusting as you can possibly imagine, and cleaning them seemed utterly impossible. No matter how much he mucked out with his shovel, more just seemed to fall in and fill the place up again.
As I said, the giant’s daughter was extremely fond of Nix Nought Nothing (and also apparently his size for, you know, reasons), even if he was a prisoner who had been bought from a king in a sketchy bargain. She considered the problem for a moment and then raised her voice to call out to all the birds and beasts of the land and the air. Before the echoes of her cry died away, they had come to her summons. She explained the situation and the animals all pitched in. Many hands (or feet or claws or whatever) make light work. It still took a long time, but before the end of the day, all of the shit had been cleared away from the stables, allowing Nix Nought Nothing to finish cleaning them out properly. By the time the giant returned, the stables were practically gleaming with the ping noise you hear in cartoons.
Now the giant knew good and well that he had assigned the lad an impossible task. I don’t know why he has decided all of a sudden to murder and eat the kid that he’s raised as his own until now. Maybe he was just fattening him up for the slaughter this whole time but if so, then why the whole song and dance about the task? Why not just eat him and be done with it? Unless maybe he wants an excuse (however thin) that he can use to justify himself to his daughter? It’s probably best not to think about it too hard, so we won’t. Moving on.
The giant looked at the sparkling clean stables with a slight frown. “Shame on whatever clever git helped you with this. Never mind that – I’ve got a worse job for you tomorrow. There’s a lake nearby that’s seven miles long, seven miles deep, and seven miles wide. I’m going away again tomorrow, and you must drain that lake before I get back or I’ll rip your spine out and eat you for my supper.” And with that grim proclamation, he ate his non-cannibal supper and went to bed.
Poor Nix Nought Nothing didn’t get much sleep that night, so he rose very early to begin what was sure to be an even more impossible task. It certainly didn’t help that the only tool the giant had that might be even a little bit useful was a single human-sized pail. The young man began to bail the water out of the lake as fast as he could, but it quickly became clear that this was a fool’s errand. It would take many weeks of constant work to make this happen, and that was only if he worked without rest and without slowing down, which was impossible.
Again, the giant’s daughter arrived around mid-morning with another packed meal for her favorite captive human and found him having another little mental breakdown. You know, as a treat. She too could see the futility of what he was trying to accomplish, so she considered the problem herself for a moment. Smiling, she stepped forward and raised her voice to call out to all the fish in the sea. I don’t know how they managed to travel inland from the ocean to a lake (even if a river connected the two, one is salt water and the other fresh so it would be poisonous to them) but whatever, somehow they did. The lass asked the fish to drink up all the water in the lake and carry it away back to the ocean, which they soon did. Before evening, the lake was completely dry. It honestly leaves me with even more questions than I had about the fish arriving at all, but let’s just accept this at face value. Sure, ocean fish can drink lake water and then somehow swim out of a seven mile deep lake bed that’s completely dry. Makes perfect sense.
The giant returned that evening as before, and he saw that once again, Nix Nought Nothing had done the impossible and completed the task. Any remaining composure the giant had was burned away in the inferno of his fresh rage. “I don’t know how in the hell you managed that, but it doesn’t matter. I’ve got a worse job for you tomorrow. There’s a tree nearby that is seven miles high without a single branch on it until you reach the very top. On that branch is a nest with seven eggs in it. You must bring down all seven without cracking even a single one, or I’ll crack your head open and scramble your brains for my supper.”
The lad was no slouch as a climber, but literally no one is up for a seven mile free climb up a sheer face with no proper equipment. For the sake of comparison, Mount Everest is only about 5.5 miles high. Still there was nothing for it but to try and likely perish in the attempt, so Nix Nought Nothing went out in the morning to survey the impossible tree. It was every bit as daunting as his nightmares had made it seem. More so even. The giant’s daughter came along with her usual mid-morning meal and joined the increasingly panicked young man. She too was at a loss for how to achieve their goal since not even birds can fly that high, and it would be too easy for one to drop an egg or decide to eat one.
So far, the solutions to these impossible tasks have been fairly typical from a fairy tale logic standpoint. If you have access to a bunch of animals, use them to help you move an impossible amount of stuff. So far, so good, but it’s about to get weird. The giant’s daughter was stymied about how to help but she eventually had what was either a clever or utterly deranged idea. The lass cut off her fingers and her toes, which were somehow independently mobile and magically sticky. They became steps up the tree for the young man, who was able to climb the tree with relative ease. It was still an impossibly long climb up and an even longer one down with his arms full of eggs. The story isn’t clear on how exactly, but Nix Nought Nothing must have jostled the load a bit as he climbed off the tree, breaking one of the eggs.
Well, shit. All that body horror for nothing. The two young people knew that the giant would not be pacified by six eggs and he would know if they tried to swap out the broken egg for an unrelated one. They discussed it and quickly decided that their only option was to run away together. I’m assuming that the young woman’s fingers and toes magically reattached themselves but it doesn’t actually specify. She does take the time to tidy her hair up a bit and get out a magic flask before the two of them raced off as fast as they could. They didn’t want to be anywhere close when the giant returned that evening.
Alas, the climb had taken most of the day and the pair made it only three fields away before the giant returned and saw them fleeing. He didn’t run (I’m not sure he could run, given how big he is), but his massive strides ate up the distance. The giant’s daughter glanced over her shoulder and was dismayed to see how fast her father was catching up. “Quick, take the comb out of my hair and throw it down behind us.” Nix Nought Nothing had seen enough weirdness by now not to question anything she asked. He pulled the comb and tossed it on the ground. Out of each of the teeth sprang a thick tangle of briars, deep and wide enough to slow even a giant.
Alas, the briars could only slow the pursuing giant, not stop him altogether. It took time, but he eventually made his careful way through and returned to his pursuit. The young couple had gotten a significant head start in that time, but as before, the giant’s massive strides began to devour the distance between them. He was catching up again, and fast. His daughter glanced over her shoulder again and decided that it was time for another of the tricks up her sleeve. Or, more accurately, hidden in her hair. It hadn’t been vanity that had delayed her at the outset of their flight, but clever preparations.
“Quick, pull the dagger I’ve stashed in my hair and throw it down behind us!” Nix Nought Nothing scrambled to obey immediately, tossing the dagger he found twirled up in her hair to the ground. Quick as thought, a thick hedge of shining razors exploded from the dagger, filling the path behind the fleeing couple. Again, the giant was forced to slow down and pick his way carefully through the overlapping and crisscrossing razors to avoid being sliced to ribbons. But as before, it only delayed him and he did eventually follow after the fleeing pair.
His enormous strides ate up their lead and he was soon breathing down their necks. Snarling, the giant reached forward with one enormous hand to snatch Nix Nought Nothing off his feet and crush the life out of him. But before he could do so, his daughter took her magic flask and smashed it on the ground behind them. As the glass shattered, an enormous tidal wave roared up from the tiny space, rising higher and higher until it engulfed the giant up to his waist. He tried to escape, but he had never been much of a swimmer. He’d never needed to be since he could just wade across any body of water he thought to cross. The wave kept growing, rising up to his shoulders, his neck, and then his head. Unable to escape from the magic wave, the giant drowned on what had very recently been dry land and was dead. The couple was finally free! And all she had to do was kill her dad.
They no longer had a giant to deal with but they didn’t exactly have anywhere to go either, so they continued on in the way they had been going. As luck or fate would have it, Nix Nought Nothing and the dead giant’s daughter came before long to the castle of the king and queen. Having cut off her fingers and toes, maybe reattached them, and then used three powerful pieces of magic that day, the young woman was exhausted and collapsed to the ground, unable to go even a single step farther. Nix Nought Nothing cared deeply for this young woman, and besides she had saved his life multiple times over the last few days. He told her to wait there and get some rest – he’d find somewhere they could lodge for the night.
It was getting dark by then, so the lights glowing in the distant castle were his only real guidepost. He headed in that direction and soon came to a small cottage – the very one where the hen-wife, whose son had been murdered by the king’s failed trick, still lived. Nix Nought Nothing might not remember her, having been a very small child who was never really around the common folk the last time he was here, but she could easily spot the resemblance to the hated monarchs who had thrown her son’s life away. She knew him and she hated him, blaming him for her son’s death. It wasn’t actually his fault, but he was here within her grasp in a way the king never would be.
“Excuse me madame, but my companion and I have been traveling all day and are in dire need of somewhere to sleep tonight. I wouldn’t dream of imposing on your good nature, so would you mind directing me to the castle gates? I’m sure they’ll be able to house two travelers.” In response, the hen-wife placed a spell on the young man. I don’t know if she always knew magic or if she’s spent the lonely years since her son’s death learning in the hopes of one day getting revenge.
Either way, he had no memory of this and headed straight away to the castle itself. The very moment that he crossed the threshold, Nix Nought Nothing dropped bonelessly onto a nearby bench, dead asleep and completely unwakeable. The king and queen were summoned about this strange guest and they did their best to be good hosts, though there wasn’t much in the way of protocol for a magically sleeping stranger. They tried everything to awaken him, but nothing worked. Figuring it couldn’t hurt, the king put out the word that any lady who could wake the sleeping young man would be the one to marry him.
The giant’s daughter had recovered a little in the time Nix Nought Nothing was gone, and she was starting to wonder about why he hadn’t come back yet. She decided to climb a nearby tree to get a better view of the area in the hopes of spying him coming back. At about the same time, the gardener’s daughter came to the well that happened to lie directly beneath this tree for water. As she leaned over to drop in her pail, she saw the reflection of the giant’s daughter in the tree above and thought it was her own reflection. I can easily believe that she doesn’t have access to a mirror, but she obviously knows about reflections in water and has to have seen her own face before. Regardless, she was shocked by what she took as her own stunning beauty. “Why, it turns out that I’m hot as shit! If I’m so gorgeous, why am I wasting my life drawing water for others?” And so she threw down her pail and went to try her hand at waking the handsome stranger.
I’m guessing that the other local peasants knew about the hen-wife’s arcane studies because the gardener’s daughter went to her before heading to the castle. I don’t know how this factors into her revenge plan, but the hen-wife was apparently on board with marrying the prince off to the gardener’s daughter. My best guess is that the magic sleep will somehow keep him from revealing himself to his parents, and so they will never be reunited despite being so close. She taught the young woman a countercurse that would awaken the young prince whenever the young woman wanted for as long as she wanted. Thus armed, she hurried to the castle.
There was a line of young women all trying and failing to wake the young man. When it was her turn, she sat down beside his sleeping form and sang the spell the hen-wife had taught her. At once, Nix Nought Nothing roused, yawning sleepily. The king and queen were overjoyed at her success and, as promised, they told the young man that he was now engaged to the gardener’s daughter. I’m assuming that the hen-wife’s spell is the reason that the prince doesn’t simply announce himself to his parents as their long lost son (and may also be keeping them from recognizing him). Or maybe he just straight up doesn’t remember, but he still wouldn’t have forgotten about the giant’s daughter waiting for him. Thus no one saw any reason to object to the coming nuptials.
Meanwhile, the gardener himself trudged over to the well to draw water since his daughter was now far too busy with wedding preparations. He too saw the reflection of the giant’s daughter in the water but he at least didn’t think it was his own face, instead looking up to see who was in the tree above. “Miss, watcha doin’ up in that there tree? You in need of a place to stay for the night?” Since her beloved prince hadn’t returned to her, she was indeed in need so she climbed down to follow the gardener to his humble home.
Along the way, he complained about having to do the chores himself since his daughter was now marrying some stranger up at the castle. No one knew who he was or where he had come from, and he wasn’t sure how much he liked the idea of his daughter marrying him, but no one had asked him. As you might expect, the giant’s daughter was very interested in this strange man in the castle and she convinced the gardener to show her the way. She found Nix Nought Nothing asleep once more in a chair, and she dropped down to her knees beside him. Knowing how exhausted he had been, she assumed he must have just passed out here (though that didn’t explain the marriage thing to the gardener’s daughter, but that was something she and he would need to discuss). She tried to wake him, but he stayed dead to the world in his ensorceled sleep.
“Nix, wake up! Speak to me!” But he didn’t, and the terror and exhaustion of the last few days finally caught up to her. The young woman broke down sobbing, clutching the sleeping form of her prince in her arms. “I cleaned the stable, I emptied the lake, and I helped you climb the tree and all of it was for the love of thee! Why wilt thou not awaken and speak unto me?” The sight of a beautiful stranger weeping over the other stranger had drawn the king and queen, so they were both present to hear her tearful words. They approached slowly, unsure what was going on. The young woman looked up as they approached. “I cannot get Nix Nought Nothing to speak to me, no matter what I do!”
That took the king and queen aback. They hadn’t heard their son’s not-quite-name in many long years, and by now no one should remember it. “You know Nix Nought Nothing? Where is he?” The young woman stared at the two in confusion. “What do you mean, where? He’s right here!” And she gestured to the sleeping young man. With that, part of the spell was presumably broken. Or maybe they just hadn’t recognized their son given his long absence and unlooked for return. Either way, they now couldn’t help but recognize their son and they rushed over to hug him and cry over him, but of course he didn’t awaken or respond in any way.
Now that they knew who he was, they were no longer content to wed him off to the gardener’s daughter. Besides, they had to suspect that something fishy was going on here. They called her back to the castle to explain where she had learned the spell she had used as well as to remove the sleeping curse from him entirely. She did so, and the prince woke up and was himself again. He hugged his parents and then brought over the giant’s daughter to introduce her properly as well. He told them the whole story of his imprisonment by the giant, including everything that the giant’s daughter had done to save his life over and over.
Everyone agreed that it should be she who married the prince, possibly even the gardener’s daughter. Maybe she was just moved by true love or maybe they gave her some consolation prize to give up her claim to the prince. All was well and all were happy, except for the hen-wife who was executed for treason against the prince. And yes, the story is that abrupt about it right at the end. I mean, look – she definitely did engage in some light treason knowing full well who she was casting her curse on, but I think she should have got some lenience for, you know, the son the king and queen sacrificed needlessly and without permission. Exile maybe, but not death. But no one asked me.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Instagram as MythsYourTeacherHatedPod, on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated, and on Bluesky as MythsPodcast. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, October means our annual Halloween special. You’ll discover that being allowed to win because you’re rich can be hazardous to your health, that there have always been hot doctors, and that classism hurts everyone. Then, in Gods and Monsters, terrible things lurk in the shadows of rooms where the dead lie. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.