Episode 172B – A Brief History of Time

Episode 172B Show Notes

Source: Basoko Mythology

• This week on MYTH, it’s the conclusion to the annual New Year’s special! You’ll see that narrators get annoyed easily, that the Sun isn’t as friendly as the Moon, and that there’s still more things to blame Toad for. Then, in Gods and Monsters, Anansi the spider will go a-courting with his frenemy Nothing. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 172B, “A Brief History of Time”.  As always, this episode is not safe for work.
• The old year is dead, long live the new year! May it be better than the dumpster fire we just got through (which is a low bar, but still one I would like to clear). Our tale comes once again from the Basoko people of the modern Democratic Republic of the Congo by way of African Folk and Fairy Tales, edited by J. K. Jackson. 
• When we last left this story, Moon and Toad were initially the only sentient beings in existence. It’s not super clear where either of them came from originally, they were just kind of…there. Moon had looked around at the newly dried out world and decided that some new creations might liven things up. Toad had agreed but, despite being warned that he didn’t have the skill or the power to get it right, went ahead and created humanity. It was, as Moon had warned, a shitshow. With Toad vanished due to the effort of creation (and some punishment by the power of the moon), the lunar entity used what power he could bring to bear to fix as much of Toad’s fuckup as possible (though these newly-made humans would still have shorter, harder, and very finite lives than the idyllic, lavish, and near-infinite lives they could have had if Moon had been their creator). Thus did he teach the humans Bateta and Hanna about the world and, when Hanna got pregnant and gave birth within the span of a month or so, how to care for his wife and twin children. 
• Things were going well for the young family with the help of Moon’s occasional forays into teaching and wisdom doling. One day, Bateta walked out of the hollow fallen tree that they had made their home in to find that the world had changed dramatically. He was used to the gentle, pearlescent glow of Moon, dim and friendly, lighting up everything. Now there was a dazzlingly bright orb hanging in the sky just above the treetops lighting the world in stark whites and deep shadows. Things he had only ever been able to dimly perceive were suddenly thrown into sharp clarity. It made for an odd contrast. The tops of the trees glowed with vibrant color from this new burning orb, but the undersides still dwelt in a cooler dimness very like that of the moon. It was the first time that the shade of the forest had ever been seen on the earth.
• In this dimmer light, a great host of new, never before seen creatures gathered to blink out at the brighter world beyond the treeline. These ranged in size from staggeringly enormous down to adorably tiny. Bateta understandably had his flabber ghasted by this strange and utterly unexpected sight, so he called for his wife to make sure it was real. “Hanna? Could you come out here for a minute, babe? Things got real weird while we were asleep and I could really use a second opinion.” Children in tow, she stumbled into the dazzling glare beside her husband, eyes watering. “I have no idea what has happened? Thoughts?”
• The assembled animals gazed placidly back at them, all of them mesmerized by the enchantment of this sudden and utter change in the light. “What do you think it means, husband? Surely a change this major must be some portent of something.” Bateta shook his head, equally perplexed. “I don’t know, wife. None of this was like this when Moon left last night and I joined you in bed.” Hanna cocked her head as an idea sparked at that. “Of course, Moon! Husband, you must call him back down to explain this new strangeness to you. Until we know what’s going on, I won’t be able to stop worrying that this burning orb is dangerous, that something bad is going to happen to you or to the children.” Bateta nodded slowly. “A wise idea, wife. If I try to figure out all of these changes with only my own wits, there’s a good chance I’ll get myself into serious trouble. I need Moon’s help on this one. I hate calling him back so soon, but this seems like a good reason.”
• Thus Bateta lifted his head and his voice, crying aloud to the heavens for Moon’s help. The creatures assembled in the dappled shadow all raised their heads as well and added their voices to the man’s call. From the shrill squeak of the tiny mouse to the echoing roar of the tawny lion, all joined in. Their voices were a cacophony, but the meaning was clear all the same: ‘come down to us, O Moon, and explain the meaning of this great change to the world. Only you can guide us to understanding.’ As their multitudinous cry faded to echoes, they heard a response from a distant voice that rumbled like approaching thunder. “Rest now, my friends. Wait until the brightness of this new light has faded; then you will see my much milder light along with that of the many twinkling children I have borne. Only then will I be able to come and explain things to you all.”
• That was an answer, but it wasn’t exactly helpful in the immediate sense. Everyone was still super anxious about what all these changes meant, so they obeyed the unseen Moon’s words absolutely literally. Unwilling to move from where they stood, all and sundry lay down to rest exactly where they were. It took many long, hot hours but eventually, the scorching light faded, settling behind the trees on the opposite side of the world from where it had appeared. As it sank, it was replaced with the soothing pale luminescence they were all so familiar with. The Moon appeared in the sky then, surrounded by the scattered sea of stars. 
• Far below, Bateta and Hanna pointed out their old friend Moon to the children, who turned his smiling face upon his dearest creations. I mean, as we saw in Part 1, Toad is actually the one who created humans but it was Moon who raised them up from brutish beasts with the lifespans of mayflies to more modern humanity. The celestial light floated down towards earth and settled not far from Bateta and Hanna, in clear view of all the assembled animals still gathered under the sheltering branches of the forest.
• “Hey there, friends! I take it you all noticed that this thing called ‘time’ just started happening. I’m sure it must have been quite a shock to you all to see that bright light, the sun, appear in the sky. So look, we’re going to be dividing this time stuff into two parts – day and night. The time between the Sun rising and setting again will be the former, and the time between it setting and rising again will be the latter. Day is the realm of the sun and will be under its light. Night will be my kingdom and will bathe in the cool light of myself and my starry children. Since my light is friendlier and easier on the eyes, I thought that it made sense for my time to be the time of rest for you all. The rising of the Sun will be the cue to wake and begin the labors of the day. This is the new rule that I have just made up, but it is now set in stone and completely unchangeable.
• “Now since Hanna and Bateta are the first creatures, they and their descendants will have preeminence over everything, all of creation. This isn’t because they’re stronger or faster (because they’re sure as shit not), but because I have granted them wisdom and understanding as well as the power of speech to share said wisdom. I would have given them everlasting life, youth, and beauty but that asshole Toad really screwed the pooch on this. His taint lies upon you unfortunately, and there’s nothing that can be done to cleanse it. Unfortunately, that means that everything will eventually have to die – everything except Hanna and Bateta that is. When their time comes and they can no longer bear the burdens of life, my first-born children will return to me and become one with me once again. Their descendants will live on after them though, and will, in time, spread across the four corners of the earth.
• “And Bateta? All of those animals that you see sprang from the ashes of that asshole Toad. On the day he wielded his power against mine and was consumed by it in a flash of ‘I told you so’, a single drop of his life’s essence remained. That drop eventually grew into another toad, though this one was far less powerful than the original. All of the beasts were his doing, and they were all pretty much pieces of shit. I grabbed each as soon as he was done and dipped them each into Toad’s pool. It was enough to smooth out the rougher edges and get them in line with their intended roles in life, at least outwardly. They were made so quickly and in such numbers that they have a larger dash of Toad’s poison still in them, so unfortunately that means that most will die much sooner than humanity, nor will they have the power of speech or thought. Your job, Bateta and Hanna, is to discover what qualities each of these beasts has and do what you can to make the world, and all its myriad creatures, work together.”
• Moon then gave a somewhat lengthy explanation of how each animal would spread out to its own biome and reproduce, and how any that were good to eat were fair game for Bateta and Hanna, as well as their descendants. This included the fish in the seas and the plants that grew across the face of the earth. Moon also vowed that, so long as the first two humans walked the earth, he would remain close by to visit and to answer their questions about the world. It would be up to them to pass these lessons on to their children so that this knowledge should not be lost. Once he took them back to the sky with him at the end of their lives, Moon would no longer come to earth to visit with its creatures. And with that, he bid the world good night. It was indeed the first real night, and so it was also time for everyone to begin the endless cycle of sleep and wakefulness aligned with the rising and setting of the Sun.
• True to his word, Moon ascended gently back into the heavens and shone as brightly as he ever had. His children, the stars, burned fiercely in response so that the night sky seemed almost aflame with it. Soon, the celestial being drew his blanket of clouds across the sky to dim the light and let his creatures go to sleep. Darkness fell across the land, a gentle and restful thing to lull all and sundry to their rest. In the morning, Bateta awoke again and wandered out of his hollow tree home to watch the burning of this new scorching light that Moon had called the Sun. It wasn’t nearly as comfortable to look upon as its nighttime counterpart was, so Bateta soon gave this up and looked around.
• In the near distance, he saw a flock of goats and sheep nibbling on the grass and bleating contentedly. The young lambs and baby goats frolicked merrily in the meadow like something out of an old Merry Melodies cartoon, prancing with joy at the arrival of their chief, Bateta. He heard a commotion near his feet and saw a long procession of clucking domestic birds each strutting and scratching with many a cluck and a crow as Bateta looked at them. None could use words of course, thanks to fucking Toad, but their meaning was still clear to Bateta – ‘all hail the ruler of the world’. A cool morning breeze swept out of the plains, swaying the trees, grasses, and other plants in their own vegetable salute. Thus it was that Bateta knew that Moon had spoken true – he was the undisputed king of the world.
• A few months after this momentous first morning, Hanna gave birth to another set of twins, and then another set of twins a few months after that. And by a few, I’m guessing they actually mean more like nine or ten since Bateta apparently counts the passing months between twinsies and realizes that this will be the pattern for all time. Since people don’t actually give birth after only a few months, it’s the only thing that makes sense. This went on for 18 years (poor Hanna, who really deserves a fucking break) until the parents decided that their firstborn children were adults. Their eldest son, who is not given a name, was then permitted to choose his wife. I’m really hoping that he didn’t have only his sisters to choose from because gross, but literally no other people have ever been mentioned. It’s a common issue with these kinds of creation stories. Some just ignore it and seem totally cool with incest. Others hand wave it away and have other people just kind of appear with no explanation. This appears to be one of the former.
• Anywho, Hanna and Bateta continued this endless cycle of pregnancy for 90 goddamned years, at the end of which they had 242 children (which does indeed average out to about two kids every nine months) as well as numerous grandchildren and great-grandchildren. All of them lived many times as long as their modern counterparts do (which is also a pretty consistent theme in these kinds of creation stories). As promised, Hanna and Bateta were carried away to the heavens by Moon when the time came. Their eldest children died soon thereafter and were buried in the earth. Deaths came more frequently after that, with subsequent generations living less long until they reached the kinds of ages we see today. A major part of the shortening life span was the spread of disease, war, famine, and accidents as more and more people spread farther and farther across the world. The secret to long lives was eventually lost, and although humans now cover every corner of the globe, the dead beneath the dust far outnumber the living (which is a true fact).
• So long story short, fuck Toad. If he’d had a little more humility and a little bit less of the unearned confidence of a mediocre white man, we might all be eternally young and beautiful and living in a blissful paradise. The moral of the story is fairly directly stated at the end, and it is mostly not to be like that asshole Toad. Don’t be rash and headstrong, and make sure to listen to the advice of those wiser and more knowledgeable than you so that you don’t end up hurting a lot of innocent people. 
• It’s a this point that Baraka, a character we haven’t met yet (but may have been part of some frame narrative that wasn’t included in this collection) asks Matageza (another character we haven’t met but who has apparently been our narrator) why the Moon taught Bateta about the banana but not the manioc (also known as the cassava, a potato-like root vegetable). The narrator posits that the banana was esoteric enough that no one but Moon could have explained it as edible and useful. The manioc on the other hand is a common food for the goats that roamed in Bateta’s herds. He was clever enough (thanks to Moon’s intervention to remove Toad’s taint) to reason that if the goats could eat it safely, then he probably could too. 
• At which point Baraka complains about the omission. “That’s a good explanation, so why didn’t you include it in the story originally? Why did I have to badger it out of you?” Matageza sighed in exasperation. “If I included every single detail, then this would be the story that never ends. Do you also want to hear about the sweet potato and the tomato and the pumpkin? Or of how millet was discovered by the flocks of domesticated fowl? Or how dogs discovered palm oil?” “I get your point, but also I do really want to know that last one. How the hell did a dog discover the uses for the palm oil nut?” 
• “You are full of questions today, but fine. It’s really very simple. Bateta originally got a wild dog to come and live with him by noticing that it preferred to sit just outside the firelight and wait for the bones tossed aside by him and his family after a meal was over. It was clearly easier to eat these leftovers than to hunt, and so Bateta began deliberately feeding the dog. One day when the man went out into the forest to hunt, the dog followed on his heels. After a long walk, Bateta rested at the foot of the tall, straight tree we now know as the palm tree. There were a whole bunch of the tree’s nuts lying around the roots where monkeys or the wind had tossed them. 
• “The dog sniffed at them hungrily and decided to start munching on them. Bateta wasn’t sure if they were safe or not, but decided that the dog had the right to make up his own mind on the matter. Not only did they not hurt the beast, but he seemed to thoroughly enjoy munching on them, so Bateta decided to give them a try. When he tried cooking with them, he noticed that their fat leeched out into the vegetables he was cooking them with and made them a hell of a lot tastier. 
• “And that’s the story. It’s an awful lot like the one for the manioc, and that’s because most of these stories are basically the same. Bateta watched an animal eat something and not get sick, decided it was probably safe, tried it, and then passed the knowledge of what was good to eat down to his kids. Whatever wasn’t figured out then was discovered later when famine or some other desperation forced people to try foods like mushrooms and risk potential poisoning.” That was a good enough answer for Baraka, though he couldn’t help but be a little melancholy and a little angry at Toad for ruining everything for pretty much everyone, that arrogant little ass. And so with questions about creation settled for now, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s confusing antagonist is Nothing.
• This story is also taken from African Folk and Fairy Tales, edited by J. K. Jackson, but this one comes from the Akan peoples of the Ghana and features our old trickster friend, Anansi. Back in the old, old days of mythology, Anansi the spider lived in a miserable little hut. This would have been bad enough for the envious old spider, but it was made so much worse by the presence of a grand palace nearby owned by a very rich man named Nothing. I have to wonder if he’s a distant cousin of Odysseus AKA Nobody. Now Anansi might have been a jealous fuck but he was also one who enjoyed the finer things in life so naturally he became friends with Nothing. Well, frenemies at least. Thus it was that they decided one day to set off into a neighboring town together to go and find themselves some beautiful wives. It feels more than a little icky to treat marriage as an afternoon errand like running to the store, but that’s what happened.
• Being a rich man as previously mentioned, Nothing set out dressed in fine velvet clothes, which made Anansi’s ragged cotton ones look even shabbier by comparison. The spider was well aware that this situation was not going to be to his advantage, so he convinced Nothing to let Anansi try on his sweet drip. Just for a little while, you understand. He just wanted to see what it was like to biddy biddy bum. He would totally give it back before they got to town, honest. As you probably already guessed, Anansi is lying. Each time Nobody brought up switching back, the spider came up with one excuse or another to delay for just a little bit longer. Naturally, they arrived at their destination with their clothes still swapped in an involuntary prince and the pauper situation. 
• Dressed to the nines as he was, Anansi had no trouble attracting as many wives as he wanted. Someone dressed in clothing that expensive was surely able to take care of everyone’s needs with no trouble. Plus, if Anansi has nothing else, he’s go swag. Nothing, appearing to be just a single step above pure destitution, was ignored and treated with awful contempt by everyone in town. People have always had trouble seeing past the trappings of wealth to the person within. One woman however was more discerning. She saw in Nothing a good man who would treat her well, and so she agreed to marry him despite his evident poverty. Anansi’s wives laughed at this obviously delusional woman for wedding a beggar when a veritable prince was right fucking there. Being wiser than they, the woman ignored their insults and jibes.
• They all set off for home together just as Anansi and Nothing had done that morning. The trip back was miserable for Nothing and his wife given the endless derision and insults flying at them from Anansi’s party. The spider is not a very good friend and he’s somehow an even worse husband. When they reached the crossroads near their respective homes, Anansi’s wives were horrified to discover that their new and supposedly rich husband led them down the rutted, half-cleared path to the tiny, dismal shack instead of along the wide, well-maintained path to the palace. The latter road had been laid with fine skins and gorgeous carpets by Nothing’s many servants in anticipation of his arrival. At the doors waited said servants with a change of clothes (which was especially nice since Anansi had apparently just straight-up stolen the clothes he had ‘borrowed’). No one was waiting at Anansi’s house, which was an absolute wreck of a bachelor pad.
• Nothing’s wife was now the queen of the whole district, with anything her heart might desire only a whim away. I’m resisting the urge to sing ‘a whim away, a whim away.’ Although I guess I’m not resisting that hard. Anansi’s many wives, on the other hand, couldn’t even scrape together proper food for the household and had to make do with unripe bananas and wizened peppers. They now realized that they had been lied to and tricked, but divorce wasn’t so much a thing so they were stuck with it. Now, for all that they had been total mean girls to Nothing’s wife, she considered these women her friends and she hated to hear how they were suffering in their new lives. She organized a feast in her new home and invited them all to dine with her. The place was even grander from the inside than it appeared from the outside and none of the women wanted to return to the miserable hut Anansi had brought them to. So they just…didn’t. They all refused to go back, and just stayed with their benefactor in the palace. 
• This infuriated Anansi who, like many a modern day manosphere influencer, didn’t think he had done anything at all wrong. Sure he had lied to their faces and sure he was starving them and treating them like servants, but that was his right! These women should just settle into their tradwife roles and let him be in charge. Since he couldn’t persuade or threaten  them to come back, he escalated to the obvious next option and tried to murder Nothing. Like, a lot. He went through a number of Spy vs. Spy-esque schemes, each without any success. None of them worked, so eventually the spider went to a swarm of rats that he was friends with and convinced them to dig a deep pit under Nothing’s door. When it was done, Anansi lined the bottom with knives and jagged shards of broken pottery. That done, he smeared the steps with okra oil to make them slippery, then hid himself in a nearby bush.
• He waited there until the sun set and he was sure that everyone in the palace was asleep. The spider then called out for Nothing. “Hey, Nothing old buddy old pal! There’s something real cool out here I want to show you. I can’t just tell you what it is because it’s way too interesting and unique to put into words. Why don’t you come outside and look at this totally real and not at all made-up thing with me?” Now Nothing was a very trusting soul and believed the best in his lying asshole of a neighbor, as we have already seen. Fortunately, Nothing’s wife was wiser than her husband and suspected that some bullshit was afoot. She dissuaded her husband from answering the spider’s summons. 
• Anansi wasn’t one to give up so easily (when it came to revenge, at least). “Seriously, Nothing! You have to come out and see this really cool and totally mysterious thing. You’ll regret it forever if you don’t. Everyone’s gonna say ‘ooh there goes poor Nothing who missed out on seeing that really cool thing with Anansi.’ Come on, don’t you trust me?” Multiple times, Nothing’s wife talked her husband out of responding but eventually his good nature and curiosity got the better of him. What if Anansi was right? What if this whatever it was really was that cool and he missed it? He wouldn’t be able to live with himself. And so eventually he headed outside to see.
• As soon as his foot hit the first step, it slid out from underneath him and he tumbled ass over teakettle into the gaping maw of the pit. The clamor of his fall and the terrified scream that accompanied it awakened the entire household. Lights were summoned and the pit was discovered, with poor Nothing’s broken, mutilated body lying at the bottom. He was very clearly dead from the combination of the fall and the many, many stab wounds. His wife wailed in despair at the sight of her beloved husband’s untimely murder. She more than suspected that Anansi was behind it all, but alas there wasn’t much she could do about it. 
• Since she couldn’t get justice, she decided that she would at least see that her husband was mourned properly. She gathered as many yams as she could, boiled them all, mashed them up, and took them out to the district Nothing had lived in. To every child she met, she gave a serving of these delicious sweetened yams. In return, she asked only that they cry with her over her dead husband. This is why, to this day, when you see a child crying and ask an adult what they’re crying about, you will often be told ‘they are crying over Nothing.’
• I’ve mentioned before that Anansi (and all tricksters for that matter) are not necessarily good people. They are transgressors of norms and rules by their very natures. Sometimes this makes them the hero, the only one willing to stand up to tyranny. Others, it makes them into cruel bullies who hurt everyone around them in their own selfishness. Such is the dual nature of the trickster, itself a reflection of the complicated souls of humans since time immemorial. 
• That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated.  Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Instagram as MythsYourTeacherHatedPod, on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated, and on Bluesky as MythsPodcast.  You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line.  I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated.  The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff. 
• Episode 5 of Saturday Morning Roleplay is out now, the second part in a new, exciting mystery of the plucky teen detectives slash magicians of Abe Kadabra’s traveling magic show. Follow them and their cowardly white tiger Cato as they investigate the mystery of the fabled Gatorman. As a reminder, this show is an actual-play tabletop roleplaying podcast using a variety of game systems to tell stories inspired by our favorite cartoons. All episodes are kid friendly, rated TVPG for cartoon violence and rare mild language. Check it out on Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. And if you could, please leave a positive review on your app of choice and tell your friends about us. This is still a very new show, so reviews and word of mouth recommendations make all the difference.
• Next time, we’re going back to Latvia for another installment in the epic of Lacplesis the Bearslayer. You’ll see that sometimes you just need fatherly advice, that sometimes people are your ex for a reason, and that betrayal cuts deeper than any sword. Then, in Gods and Monsters, an orphan will discover the magic of music. Literally. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.