Episode 133 – How to Make Friends and Influence Monarchs

Episode 133 Show Notes

Source: Filipino Folklore

This week on MYTH, a little boy with big dreams is going to meet a whole bunch of kings in the Philippines. You’ll see that you should always dream big, that royalty in the animal kingdom is a lot more approachable, and that you should keep an eye on your jewelry. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you should always double check if the man of your dreams is secretly a literal monster. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 133, “How to Make Friends and Influence Monarchs”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story comes to us from the book Philippine Folk Tales, collected by Mabel Cook Cole in 1916 and was originally a story of the Tagalog people. Once upon a time, there lived a little boy named Benito. He was an only child who lived with his mother and father in a little village in the Philippines. As is so often the case with fairy tale protagonists, Benito’s family was very poor. His parents did the best they could but, as he got older, he could see how hard they struggled to make ends meet. At night, he often dreamed of a time when he might be able to help them and make it so they didn’t have to struggle anymore. As far as childhood dreams go, this one is pretty grounded and selfless.
One evening, as the family sat around in their little home eating their usual meager meal of rice, the father decided to liven things up a little with a story. He told Benito about the young king who lived in a magnificent palace on a distant part of the island. The boy’s ears perked right up as his father described the ease and luxury that this king enjoyed. That night, when the house was dark and still, Benito lay there unable to sleep. His thoughts were simply too full of vivid imaginings of the incredible things this young king must take for granted every day. Benito imagined what it would be like if he himself somehow became a king, with enough wealth and power to see to it that his parents were taken care of for the rest of their lives. None of them would be hungry or unhappy ever again. He eventually drifted off to sleep, but he kept right on dreaming about kinghood.
When Benito awoke in the morning, he had a new, glorious idea. If this king was so rich, surely he must be in need of people to work for him. Benito would simply go and ask the king to give him work. With the sure to be generous wages, he could help his mother and father for real rather than just daydreaming about it. He raced excitedly to tell his parents about his grand plan right away. His parents weren’t exactly sold on the idea. In fact, they fucking hated it. They weren’t as young or naive as Benito was, so they weren’t at all sure that this king would be as kind and generous as their son seemed to think. Besides, the journey to get to his palace was long and dangerous. Surely it was better for him to stay here and help out on their small farm as he always had?
Benito refused to be dissuaded and eventually, he wore his parents down. Resigned that their son had to make his own mistakes at some point, they finally gave him their consent to go and see this king. As soon as he could throw some travel rations in a small bag, he set out towards the palace. It was an exhausting journey, but it proved to be a lot less dangerous than Benito’s parents had feared. He was experienced with the local wildlife, so he made it to the palace without incident, though he was indeed very footsore by the time he finally got there. It helped that everything was just as grand and luxurious as he had dreamed.
Benito marched right up the steps and went inside to see the king. Only, the guards told him there was no fucking way some country yokel was going to get an audience with the king. You probably saw that coming, but Benito hadn’t ever really dealt with bureaucracy or self-important flunkies before. He’d really expected that anyone at all would be able to just waltz in. As we already saw, the young man was extremely stubborn, so he kept at it until he at last managed to secure himself a position as a palace servant. It wasn’t quite as romantic as being granted some glorious task from the king’s own hand, but it would get the job done. He’d still be able to help his parents, and wasn’t that the point?
It didn’t take long at all for Benito to realize that he’d had no fucking clue what he was getting himself into. Palace life was nothing at all like his simple existence in the small village, and everything was new and strange. It wasn’t all bad by any means, but it was certainly a lot to get used to all at once. He kept his head down and worked hard, making himself known as someone who could be relied upon to get the job done. Word of this reputation as well as his initial insistence on seeing the king to be given a special task somehow traveled up the rumor mill until it reached the ears of the king himself, and Benito was called in for that audience he’d wished for.
“So you’re this Benito I’ve been hearing about? Excellent. I heard that you wanted to work directly for me – well, I have a special job for you. I want you to go across the sea and find a beautiful princess for me there. Go at once and bring her back to me. Do not fail me in this, or you will be punished most severely. Understood?” Benito’s heart dropped into his stomach. This wasn’t at all what he had imagined. Sure, this was kind of a noble quest, but talk of punishment rather than reward put a pretty heavy damper on things. Besides, he was beginning to realize that he was way out of his depth here. He was just a simple country lad who was only now beginning to adjust to working in a palace. How in the hell was he supposed to accomplish this mission? Benito knew that the king’s words weren’t really a request, so he put on his bravest face. “Yes, my lord. I will do as you bid,” and he left the king’s audience chamber with a growing knot in the pit of his stomach.
Gathering up his meager possessions, Benito prepared as best he could for the long and treacherous journey. He had no idea how in the hell he was supposed to pull this thing off, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to try his damndest anyway. Benito was stubborn and honorable, so there wasn’t really any other choice. He set out in the morning and it wasn’t long before he came to a dense forest. Between the trees, he saw a strange sight – a huge bird bound up tightly with strings. The bird saw Benito just as the boy saw it and it squawked helplessly. “Please, kind stranger, take pity on me. Free me from these awful ropes my friend, and I will promise to help you whenever you call on me.” Yes, the bird speaks (as do other animals, as we shall soon see. Chalk this one up to fairy tale weirdness).
Being a kind lad, Benito immediately rushed to help out and had the strings untied in no time. Shaking its feathers and stretching its wings, the bird leapt into the air. Circling once overhead, it called out “thank you, new friend! My name is Sparrow-hawk, so call on me whenever you need. I’m in your debt!” With one last squawk, it flew away.
Happy at being able to help out, Benito continued on his way towards the sea (which I don’t think he’d ever seen before). He came in due time to the beach and found that it was much, much bigger than he’d imagined. He wouldn’t be able to swim his way across, nor would he be able to cobble together a crude raft (if he’d even known how in the first place). Sitting down in the sand, Benito stared out over the rolling waves and mourned his failure. He’d barely even begun his quest, and already he had come across an impassable barrier. The king’s not-at-all subtle threat echoed in his mind as he pondered his pitiful fate.
Something abruptly broke the lapping waves from beneath. Benito was surprised to see that it was none other than the King of the Fishes swimming towards him. I have no idea how Benito even knew there was a king of the fishes (especially when he didn’t even know of the local human king) nor do I know how he was able to so readily recognize this royal fish. The story doesn’t say, so feel free to concoct your own absurd backstory here.
“What’s got you so down in the dumps on such a beautiful day on such a beautiful beach?” Benito sighed. “I need to cross the sea to find a beautiful princess, but I have absolutely no idea how to do that.” The fish swam closer to shore. “Is that all? That’s easy. Just climb up on my back and I’ll carry you across.” Again, no idea why the King of the Fucking Fishes is offering to be some random schmuck’s magical Uber. There’s literally no explanation. Maybe fish don’t require a whole lot of kinging, so this particular fish had a lot of time on his fins. Whatever the reason, Benito decided that this was a fantastic idea and promptly swam out and climbed aboard. He’s a very trusting soul, even after his disillusionment so far, but it keeps more or less working out for him. The King of the Fishes did indeed carry him across the sea to…somewhere and let him off at a new beach. I don’t know where, but I would assume another island in the Philippines or maybe Indonesia.
Putting the sea to his back, Benito set off inland with no real plan in mind except to walk until he found something. Which he soon did because Benito has the extraordinary luck you only find in protagonists with plot armor. He hadn’t gone very far at all on this strange island he knew literally nothing about before he came upon a woman. The story tells us nothing about her except that she is strange. Maybe this just means she’s a stranger to Benito, but given everything I’m inclined to believe she’s visibly strange and probably magical.
“You look lost, friend. What are you looking for?” Smiling gratefully, Benito told this total stranger he’d literally just met all about his task to find a beautiful princess. She would have been well within her rights to wish him good luck and keep right on walking since this is literally no skin off her nose, but no. Other than the young king, everyone seems to like Benito and go out of their way to help him for no reason whatsoever. “A princess you say? You’re in luck – there’s one being held captive by giants in a castle not too far from here. Head thataway and you can’t miss it. Oh, and here: take this sweet magical sword that will instantly kill anything the blade touches. The giants won’t trouble you with something that badass in your hand.” Again, she has literally no reason whatso-fucking-ever to part with this incredibly powerful magical artifact let along to bequeath it to just some guy looking to nab himself a princess, but what can you do?
Thanking her profusely for her unbelievable kindness, Benito continued on his journey with a spring in his step and hope in his heart. He might just pull this thing off yet. Walking in the indicated direction, he did indeed soon come across an enormous castle absolutely surrounded by terrifying giants. With no real skill at battle tactics and no plan besides ‘kill everything that moves with the world’s deadliest sword’, Benito approached the castle openly. The giants saw him coming and marched out to murder the shit out of him for invading their territory. They saw the sword in his hands but he was just one boy all by himself, so they weren’t particularly worried. Who would be? Thus, they didn’t bother to bring any weapons to face him and his (unbeknownst to them) very deadly sword.
Benito might not have much in the way of sword training, but you don’t really need much when even the slightest touch will kill your opponent. He nicked the first giant to thunder his way, and it crashed to the earth stone dead. One by one, he touched other giants in the vanguard of what had seemed a certain slaughter mere moments ago, and one by one, they dropped dead. It didn’t take the giants in the back of the pack very long at all to see this swath of absolute devastation being wrought through their ranks, do the math, and decide to get the fuck out of there. The survivors fled in utter panic, leaving the castle completely unguarded. With no defenders left to oppose him, Benito just waltzed in and found the captured princess. He told her all about his mission on this foreign soil and, discovering that she was free, she was only too happy to escape with him. Together, they set out at once for the palace of the young king.
Reaching the beach, they found that the King of Fishes was apparently waiting for Benito like a taxi with the meter running. Seriously, doesn’t this monarch have literally anything else to do? Apparently not, because he was all too happy to ferry the young man and the princess across the sea and back to the original island. They encountered no further difficulties as they traveled through the thick forest and came back to the magnificent palace. The duo was received with great rejoicing at the successful completion of the quest and the princess was received as an honored guest. They spent some time getting to know each other and, before long, the King asked the princess to become his wife (which had been the whole point of the mission in the first place, after all).
The princess, who had to have known this question was coming, nevertheless considered this offer carefully. “I will marry you, O King, if you can do something for me. I need you to recover my ring. I lost it in the sea as I was crossing on the back of the King of Fishes.” That’s an incredibly difficult condition and the king wasn’t about to go search the ocean himself. Benito had managed to find a foreign princess against all odds; maybe he could find this lost ring on the ocean floor too. Sending for his servant, he commanded the young man to venture forth and find the ring that had been lost on the way back from the land of the giants.
This task seemed even more hopeless than the first had been, but Benito was a ‘never say die’ kind of guy. Anxious to obey his punishment-happy liege, he set out at once. It was easy enough to find his way back to the seashore again but he had no idea what to do next. Looking out over the waves, he was excited to see the familiar form of his friend the King of Fishes once more break the surface. Because he has literally nothing else going on apparently. Benito told his fishy friend all about his troubles, and the great fish promised to see what he could do. Things were definitely looking up.
Even so, the entire sea floor between two islands was a lot of ground to cover, so the King of Fishes summoned all of his subjects to help out. All but one of them showed up. The others set out in search of the missing fish and soon found it under a stone and so weighed down that it was unable to swim. The larger fish grabbed the smaller one by the tail and dragged it before the undersea king.
“Here you are at last. Why didn’t you come when I called you? Everyone else did.” The small fish squirmed. “I tried to, O king, but I’m so full that I just couldn’t manage to get off the ocean floor. But, like, not in a suspicious way.” The king thought it was absolutely in a suspicious way and ordered the bloated fish sliced open, which is a fairly brutal execution for a fairly innocent act. Eating a ring isn’t a good idea, but it’s not worth a death sentence. No one was overly concerned about the fate of this unfortunate fish; everyone was just thrilled that another task had been successfully completed, especially Benito, who thanked his royal friend profusely. Clutching his prize, Benito hurried back to the palace once again.
The king happily received the ring and carried it the last few feet to the princess. Presenting it to her, he once again asked her to marry him. “Very impressive, O King, but there is something else I need you to do for me. During my journey from the land of the giants, I also lost my earring. I’m pretty sure it fell out in the forest as I was coming this way with Benito.” Well obviously, the king knew what he had to do. Benito had been so effective at retrieving the ring, so clearly he was the right man to find the earring. Besides, it was at least a little but Benito’s fault that the earring was missing in the first place, right? I mean it definitely isn’t but the king is turning out to be kind of an asshole.
The young man was tired from two different exhausting quests in service of his liege lord but he set out on immediately a third without complaint. He followed his path along the road through the thick forest in search of the missing jewelry, but not dice. He searched as carefully as he could, but there was a lot of ground to cover, all of it thickly covered in brush. It’s no wonder he couldn’t find it, but it was still a huge bummer. Benito doubted that the king would suddenly become reasonable, so returning in failure would undoubtedly result in the promised terrible punishment. Exhausted, he sat down under a tree to rest and mope.
There was a rustling sound from the bushes and then an enormous mouse appeared before him. Surprise surprise, it turns out that this giant mouse was none other than the King of Mice. What are the fucking odds? It didn’t seem like Benito was already friends with this second animal monarch, but the royal rodent noticed how down in the dumps this human was and asked him what was wrong. Benito, who was growing used to meeting kings and talking animals by now, told the King Mouse the whole sad story of the pickle he had found himself in. “And now I have to find the princess’ missing earring, but I’ve looked and looked and can’t find it anywhere along the forest road.” Without hesitation, the mouse agreed to help and summoned all of his mousey subjects to help as well.
When all of them had assembled, they discovered that one mouse was missing. This seems familiar. King Mouse sent out scouts to find the absent one and eventually, they located him in a small hole among the bamboo trees. He begged them to leave him be and give his apologies to the king. He was simply too full to move an inch, let alone walk all the way to the assembly. Shrugging, the scouts decided that if the stuffed mouse couldn’t walk, then they’d just drag him back by the tail.
Seeing a suspicious-looking lump in the full mouse’s belly that was literally as hard as a rock, the king ordered him cut open. Again, I don’t think eating something that isn’t food deserves a death sentence, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t effective. Sure enough, the mouse had eaten the missing earring, and so Benito was once more in possession of his prize. Thanking the King Mouse for his kindness and assistance (and utter willingness to sacrifice his own subjects for some dude he literally just met), Benito set back out for the palace. The king was thrilled to see the missing earring, and he again took it the last ten feet to present it to the princess. For the second time, he asked the princess to marry him.
“I cannot express how grateful I am for returning my earring, my king. I have one more request to make of you – only grant me this one last thing, and I will be your wife forever.” She’s already asked for two ‘one last things’, but it had been extremely easy for the king to fulfill her first two requests, so he readily agreed to a third. After all, he only had to order Benito to do whatever she asked and then reap the benefits. “Anything you wish for, I shall obtain for you. Simply name it.” “Thank you, O king. I need you to fetch me some water from heaven and some water from the lower world. Do this for me, and I shall never ask anything else from you.”
As expected, the king called up Benito and sent him on the hardest errand of all. As he had each time before, the young man set out at once with absolutely no idea how the fuck he was going to do this. He thought long and hard on where to start and let his feet lead wherever they wanted without any conscious direction. He soon found himself standing in the forest near the spot where he had freed the bird. Remember him? That wasn’t just a random aside – it’s about to pay off. “Sparrowhawk, I need your help!” There was a rustle of wings and a rush of wind and then Sparrowhawk landed before Benito. I half expected him to turn out to be the secret King of the Birds, but apparently they’re not keeping that pattern. “Whatcha need, friend?” Benito explained the whole situation and the princess’ request for water from heaven and from the land below.
Sparrowhawk squawked. “Is that all? No problem, I’ll get the water for you.” They talked through plans and Benito soon hurried off to a strand of bamboo. He cut a stalk down and fashioned it into two light cups which he then fastened to the bird’s legs with string (much like the string that had originally trapped the bird). Satisfied that the cups would stay in place, Sparrowhawk leapt into the air and took wing.
All day, Benito waited there in the forest, growing increasingly anxious that something had gone wrong. As night was just beginning to fall, he heard a familiar flapping overhead. Sparrowhawk landed cautiously, careful not to spill the two full cups strapped to his legs. “The right one is from heaven, and the left one is from the lower world.” I’m assuming ‘the lower world’ is a euphemism for some sort of underworld, but the story never specifies, assuming you already know.
Thanking the bird as he carefully untied the two cups, he realized that Sparrowhawk was more than simply exhausted. This journey to a pair of theoretically unreachable places had simply been too much for this poor mortal creature. In order to pay off his debt, Sparrowhawk had sacrificed his life. Honestly, it’s a real bummer. Sure, the bird was going to die anyway if Benito hadn’t intervened, but he shouldn’t have had to kill himself as part of some kind of psychosexual game between a king and a princess. Burying his dead friend and offering a moment of silence, Benito then returned to the palace with a heavy heart and two cups of mystical water.
Seeing that the king had fulfilled her final request (even if all he’d really done was delegate), she agreed to marry the king. “You deserve the most beautiful princess to be your wife, which is why I asked for this water. Cut me in half and then pour the water of heaven over my body.” The king understandably didn’t want to cut his fiance into two bloody hunks, so she sighed and picked up the knife herself. Showing incredible resolve, the princess did it herself. Not sure what else to do, the king poured out the water of heaven on her corpse as she’d asked. The two pieces joined back together and the princess rose back to her feet, only now she was the most beautiful woman any of them had ever seen.
Impressed by this incredible trick and anxious to become as handsome as his soon-to-be wife was beautiful, he grabbed the knife. Demanding that she pour the other cup of water over him, the king sliced himself in half. The two pieces did indeed join back together, but the second cup wasn’t the water of heaven obviously, it was the water from the Bad Place (or some facsimile thereof). Instead of becoming a handsome man, he rose up as the most twisted, hideous creature anyone in the palace had ever seen. They didn’t have to look at him for long because he apparently vanished from sight. Well that was unexpected. Not the becoming ugly part, that seemed pretty obvious, but the disappearing part. Didn’t see that coming.
The princess didn’t think twice about the vanishing king that she had promised to marry. I mean, she obviously tricked him into this. She told Benito that he had been so faithful to his lord and so kind to her the whole time that he was obviously the best man for her to marry. Which, yeah he’s a kind and diligent guy. They were married in a great festival and, since the kingdom was now kind of without a king, they decided that the princess and her new husband were good enough. They were made the monarchs of that large, fertile land. Benito was thrilled at this sudden reversal of fortunes, but he hadn’t forgotten his parents. He moved them into one of the richest portions of the kingdom and gave it to them so that, from that time forward, they all lived happily ever after.
And so, with the jerk king replaced with someone with a lot of friends in high places in the animal kingdom, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monstrous villain is Sayen.
This story also comes from Mabel Cook Cole’s Philippine Folk Tales. Long ago, in the deepest, darkest depths of the forest where very few people dared to venture, there lived a wizened old Alan. We first met these strange creatures back in Episode 85. As a quick refresher, these spirits from the folklore of the Tinguian tribe of the Philippines have fingers and toes that point backwards (which is the main giveaway of their supernatural nature). They are said to reproduce by taking drops of menstrual blood, miscarried fetuses, afterbirth, or other things associated with menstruation and childbirth and turn them into human children, who they then raise as their own. This is important because this particular Alan did indeed have a son named Sayen who was as beautiful as his mother was hideous. Being raised by a dangerous but powerful supernatural creature, Sayen was strong and brave. He often used those skills to go out to places far away and fight all alone.
On these solo journeys, Sayen would often meet beautiful girls and all of them caught his eye. He knew that he wanted to marry, sure, but he just couldn’t decide which of the many lovely young women was the best one. In his mind, the best would obviously be the most beautiful (because literally nothing else matters in a partner, right?) Sayen heard rumors that a young woman named Danepan was the most beautiful woman on the entire island, so clearly he had to go meet her right away. If she was as gorgeous as everyone said, then he planned to propose on the spot.
As it so happened, Danepan was incredibly shy and Sayen was famously a gorgeous young man. When word reached her village that the renowned warrior was on his way to her house to meet her, she hid behind the door and sent out her servant Laey in disguise. Laey was almost as attractive as her mistress, so Sayen didn’t question her fake identity. The two were soon married and he took her away to a house he had built for them on the edge of the forest. He hadn’t revealed his monstrous heritage, so his wife didn’t know he’d picked that spot to be close to his mother the Alan. He didn’t dare let her ever see his mother or she’d know what he was.
They lived happily for a time, had honeymoon sex, and got Laey knocked up in no time. Everything was going great until the day that Sayen went under the house to make a plow to farm with. Laey didn’t realize that her husband was in earshot and her newborn baby was fussy, so she sang a little improvised song to the baby to soothe it. Her secret was weighing on her and so, thinking she was alone with her baby, she sang that she was not Danepan (who she was still pretending to be) but Danepan’s servant Laey, and that Sayen didn’t know. Picture Scotty listening to Scotty Doesn’t Know (and look the song up if you don’t know that reference) and you’ll be in the ballpark of how Sayen was feeling. Only, instead of being an awkward nerd, he was a vengeful warrior.
He knew now that he had been deceived, and he was absolutely furious about it. He pondered on what to do for a long, long time. And by a long, long time, I mean a few hours at most because by the next sunrise, he had made a decision and a plan. He set out the next morning with his new plow to his field since rice-planting time was nearly upon them. As he left, he called out to his deceitful wife ‘when the sun is directly above, bring the baby and some lunch out to me, since I’ll be too busy to come home to eat and bond.’ Suspecting nothing, Not-Danepan agreed.
He reached the field but, instead of plowing as he was supposed to, he cut the bamboo supports of the bridge that his wife and child would have to cross to reach him from their marital home. Noontime came and Laey brought the baby and a nice picnic lunch out to her beloved husband. She made it only a few steps onto the bridge before it lurched beneath her feet and then collapsed entirely. Screaming and clutching her baby in terror, she plummeted into the water below. Caught in the jagged wreckage, she and the baby were dragged into the raging water and drowned. Sayen smiled at their demise – he was free of that deceitful bitch. I warned you he was a villain.
Sure his wife and child were dead, but his thirst for vengeance was far from slaked. He knew that Laey wouldn’t have taken Danepan’s place without being very explicitly ordered to because she was, you know, a servant (which makes his murder of her all the more senseless and horrifying). Making his way back home along a longer route that didn’t require the broken bridge, he took up his spear and his shield and his hand ax, then sallied forth. He’d intended to marry Danepan because she was the best and, as a handsome, deadly warrior, he deserved the best. He’s very Gaston in this way. And he would murder as many people as it took to get what he deserved.
He trotted into Danepan’s hometown and, without a word, began to slaughter everyone in the town. Terror spread through those who Sayen hadn’t yet managed to murder and with it, word that it was the spurned young man who was doing the murdering. Many took up arms and tried to stop him, but he cut them down with barely a thought. Years of mercenary war-mongering had made him unbelievably deadly, and no one here was his match, especially with his Alan blood. Danepan heard that the man whose hand in marriage she had dodged was killing everyone she’d ever known and she went out to confront him. She suspected that he was here for her and hoped that maybe she would be able to talk some sense into him. She begged Sayen to put an end to his bloody vengeance. The story says she specifically asked him to spare some of them so that she would have people to borrow fire from, which is an oddly callous reason but whatever.
Seeing Danepan, Sayen couldn’t believe he’d ever believed that Laey (who was barely cold in her watery grave) was Danepan – she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen in his life. Amazed at the sight of her, he stopped stabbing people and asked her to fetch him some betel nut to chew on. He was very tired and could really use a pick-me-up. Doing Sayen’s bidding was better than watching him slaughter everyone she loved, so she hurried away to do so. Tapping into his supernatural heritage, he chewed on the nuts and then spat on the butchered corpses of everyone he’d slain that day, and each of them was resurrected. It’s better than nothing, but it still doesn’t make up for, you know, murdering everyone he could reach. The fatal wounds might have faded but the trauma would last a lifetime. And also his wife and baby are still very fucking dead. With the implicit threat of violence hanging in the blood-soaked air, Sayen asked Danepan to marry him and she had no real choice but to agree.
As it so happened, the people of Magosang had found themselves in terrible danger. It had started well enough with a successful hunt but, while they were dividing up the meat amongst themselves the Komow, a murderous spirit that looks human, found them. The Komow liked to ask the hunters how many they had caught on their hunt; whatever number they answered, the deadly spirit would slip into their village and murder that many. The returning hunters would find their corpses upon their arrival. It did this every time the Magosang went hunting, leaving many, many dead and the rest living in fear of being next. I don’t know what would happen if they lied or just refused to answer, but I suspect nothing good.
Having heard stories of the great hunter Sayen, they sent a messenger out to beg him for help with their monster problem. He listened to their story and, suspecting what was doing the killing, he agreed to the job. “Take me with you the next time you go hunting. While you are dividing up the meat, I’ll hide in the trees. The Komow will come to ask you how many deer you killed and he will smell me. When he asks, you must say that you do not know where I am. It’s very important.”
The people went out to hunt with Sayen tagging along and killed two deer. While Sayen went to hide, they tied up the corpses and singed the fur off them over a fire before dividing the meat up. As usual, the Komow arrived to torment the hunters. “How many have you?” “We have two.” The Komow smiled then paused, sniffing the air. “I have two also, but I smell that fucker Sayen. Where is he?” The hunters remembered the mercenary’s words and lied their asses off. “We don’t know where he is.” While the Komow was distracted, Sayen leapt out from hiding and slaughtered the spirit. It kind of seems like the lying wasn’t actually an important part of the plan – he could have leapt out and killed the creature at any point. Either way, the people were relieved and grateful.
Word of this latest great deed soon reached the ears of Kaboniyan, a great and powerful spirit. It wasn’t hard for him to find Sayen. “I have heard tales of your skill and courage. It takes a brave man to kill the Komow, which makes you a worthy adversary for me. Tomorrow, I will come back and the two of us will fight. You stay here in the lowlands by the river and I will go up to the hill above.” It’s usually not a good idea to let your opponent pick the battlefield, but Sayen was a cocky bastard. The next day, he went out to the lowland by the river per Kaboniyan’s instructions. He didn’t have to wait long.
From on high came a great roaring like the approach of a terrible storm. Sayen knew that this heralded the approach of Kaboniyan. He looked up and, sure enough, there stood the great warrior, spear the size of a massive tree poised on his shoulder. “Are you brave, Sayen?” he called out in a voice like thunder. Not waiting for an answer, he hurled the spear. Sayen just smiled and responded to the challenge with one word: ‘yes.’ Reaching out a hand, he caught the thrown spear in mid air.
Kaboniyan was understandably shook by this incredible and utterly unexpected feat of strength and skill. Quick-drawing his throwing ax as big as the roof of a house, the spirit whipped it at his foe. With an even bigger smile, Sayen caught that too. Kaboniyan realized that Sayen was indeed a worthy foe, perhaps even his equal. Charging down the hill, he met the half-Alan as he charged up the hill. They clashed through the wilderness, each fighting without mercy or quarter, but neither could get the upper hand on the other. They battled to a standstill, each panting and exhausted and unable to achieve victory.
Kaboniyan knew now that he had found in Sayen a truly worthy foe, an equal at last. Oh, and they were also both monsters, so they decided to do a team-up. Both were eager for some truly glorious bloodshed and it was clear they weren’t going to get that by fighting each other. If they instead went town to town and fought the people together, they could butcher everyone in a glorious whirlwind of gore. And so they did. Both looked like normal, ordinary humans if they didn’t announce themselves and so no one knew that the reason that no one could stand against them was because they were literally supernatural monsters – one a spirit and the other a child of an Alan.
Fear of this deadly duo’s coming infected all of the villages across the island. The people began preparing and working together. They tried to surround the pair against a river to gain the advantage and overwhelm them, but Sayen turned into a fish and escaped. The story doesn’t say what Kaboniyan did. Maybe he simply cut through since, as a spirit, he might be unkillable by normal people with normal weapons in a way that Sayen, as Alan-spawn, was not. Oh, and also Sayen apparently has shapeshifting powers.
If people tried to surround them in town using the press of houses to hem them in and overwhelm them with superior numbers, Sayen would turn into a chicken and hide amongst the other chickens in a nearby coop. Not exactly the actions of a brave warrior, but definitely the actions of a murderous, monstrous survivor. Sayen and Kaboniyan slaughtered many towns this way. In time, rumors spread from the few survivors of Sayen’s impossible disappearances. A particularly clever warrior in one town that the duo targeted decided to hang back from the fighting and watch Sayen instead of getting caught up in the slaughter. Thus were they able to spot the half-Alan as he changed into a chicken and fled under a house and into a coop to roost with the unsuspecting fowl.
Slipping away, the warrior adapted a fish trap to work for a bird. The next morning, he laid his trap under the house Sayen had fled under in his chicken disguise and then joined the fighting. He led the combat and drove the surviving fighters to push Sayen into the same alley and surround him the same way he’d been the day before. As expected, the half-Alan turned into a chicken and fled under the house. Right into the modified trap. Sayen had only enough time to squawk in surprise before the trap killed him. It was a justifiably inglorious end to a truly cruel asshole.
And that’s where the story ends. No word on what happened to Kaboniyan or whether Danepan was able to move on from marrying the man who’d murdered her friends and loved ones, slaughtered village after village, and then just disappeared. For her sake, I hope so. Sacrificing her maid to that monster wasn’t exactly a good deed but, in her defense, she thought she was arranging her maid’s marriage to an extremely attractive and eligible bachelor, not sending her to a terrible death. How could she have known? I guess the moral of the story, insofar as it has one, is that being beautiful isn’t the same as being good.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth, on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod, and on Tumblr as MythsYourTeacherHated. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.
Next time, we’ll get a double dose of fairy tale tropes with a wicked stepfamily and a cruel forest witch. The Baba Yaga is back. You’ll see that magical skulls can really light up a place, that witches make bad bosses, and that you should always obey instructions from your toys. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll be amazed how much space can be found inside a horse’s skull. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.