Episode 39E – Only in Dreams – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 39E Show Notes

Source: French Folklore

This week on MYTH, we’ll get to see a little more of this magical prison. This is the fifth episode in our telling of the classic French tale, Beauty and the Beast. You’ll discover why you need a monkey butler, that parrots can outshine Pavarotti, and that the direct approach isn’t always the best. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll learn why it pays to be courteous to strange white ladies in the forest even if they don’t have cell phones. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 39E, “Only in Dreams”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
When we last left our story, we met a rich merchant in a city in France whose wife had probably died, but not before having six sons and six daughters with him. Things had gone pretty well until an unlucky fire had burned everything the merchant had owned, and a series of accidents on the high seas had destroyed his business dealings. Broke and bereft, he was forced to move his family out to a tiny cottage several hundred miles away from the city that he had managed to hang on to by his fingernails. The dozen children had settled into their new routine of being poor and abandoned by everyone who had previously wanted to either flirt, befriend, or fuck them, although all but the youngest had done so with bad grace. That young woman, nicknamed Belle (or Beauty) because of her incredible looks and even better personality, had been the only one to try and make the best of the situation. Two years into this Purgatory, a message had come that one ship full of goods had arrived at port unexpectedly. The merchant had rushed off to the city to try and get some of his previously vast wealth back, but he was cheated out of everything by his former partners and found himself having to head back in defeat six months later only to get lost in a blizzard. He wandered into a magical seeming castle full of weird shit but no people and, for reasons unknown, decided that fate wanted him to have it. He had plucked a rose for his beloved Belle, the only thing she had asked for while he was gone, only to be confronted by a horrible, hideous beast enraged at the merchant for ripping him off. The Beast demanded the merchant’s life, but offered to take one of his daughters in his stead, but only if she came to the castle willingly and in full knowledge of what awaited her. He warned the merchant that if he tried to flee or break the bargain, the Beast would hunt down everyone he ever loved. Then, he sent the man home for a month to say his goodbyes. When his children learn what happened, the sons offer to fight the Beast, and the daughters offer up Belle as a sacrifice. The merchant doesn’t want to accept this bargain, but Belle is insistent. At the end of the allotted month, the Beast’s horse arrived as promised to take them back to the castle and their certain doom. We then took a detour out to a neighboring kingdom to meet a Prince who’s father had been killed around the time he was born. A neighboring king decided that a widowed single mother with a newborn infant would make an easy target and invaded, forcing the Queen to ride off into battle with her army. Before leaving, she entrusted her son to the care of an old, ugly, mean-spirited but very powerful fairy to raise until the war was over. This she did for around 15 years, during which time she went all creeptown on the Prince and decided that she wanted to be his wife instead of his mother and began pressuring him to marry her. They rode out together to meet the Queen, since the Prince insisted he couldn’t wed without his mother’s blessing, and he took up arms for the final battle of the war. Victory achieved (although with the villain still alive against the advice of the Queen’s generals because she feared for the safety of her son), they began the long ride back home. Once there, the Fairy almost immediately tells the Queen of her desire to marry the Prince. The Queen, quite reasonably, is horrified by the idea and, exhausted from nearly two decades in the field, she tells the Fairy exactly what she thinks. The Fairy doesn’t take rejection well, and vows vengeance, leaving the mother and son writhing in pain on the palace floor. Back at the Beast’s castle, Belle and her father finally arrive to a huge celebration, with music and fireworks, much to their surprise. The Beast is polite about receiving his victim and offers her father two trunks full of whatever treasure he likes from the closet in payment for his daughter. He can’t exactly refuse, and so on Belle’s advice, he fills them up with gold, jewels, and dresses for his other daughters with the intention of keeping his new wealth secret from his children to keep them from getting greedy. They share one last meal together and, in the morning, the merchant rides off on the magical horse once more leaving Belle alone and in the clutches of a horrid monster.
Belle watched her father ride off into the distance until she could no longer make out their shapes, and then for a few minutes longer. The world dissolved into tears, and she stumbled up to the room that had been set aside as hers until such time as the Beast decided it was time for her execution. He hadn’t yet deigned to tell her when that would be, which only added to her torment. For a long time, she sat in her chambers, alone, weeping, and lost in her memories and her dreams of her family’s future without her. Belle was bone-weary, but she wasn’t sure she would be able to sleep. Still, she had nothing better to do, so she dressed for bed, although it was still morning.
As she pulled back the sheets, she noticed a fresh cup of hot chocolate on the bedside table. It had appeared while she was changing, although she had heard no one come in. The thought of poison briefly crossed her mind, but she decided fuck it. The Beast could kill her outright with no trouble if he wanted, so he didn’t need to resort to treachery. Besides, if he did, at least this nightmare would finally be over. She downed the whole thing (which was, unsurprisingly, delicious) and settled into bed. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she fell into a deep, restful slumber. She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep ever since her father had come home, so she’d needed this.
Belle dreamed. She found herself standing on the bank of a canal which stretched off beyond the horizon in either direction. Along either bank grew impossibly massive orange trees and flowering myrtles in full, gorgeous bloom. The view was lost on Belle who, even in her dream, could not escape her depression about being a prisoner of a monster. She sat down beneath the spreading branches and sat cursing the fate that condemned her to pass her days in this beautiful prison with no hope of escape or reprieve.
From nowhere in particular, an incredibly handsome man appeared. She though him absolutely gorgeous and wondered if he was her mind’s attempt to create the Greek god Eros, come for her as his Psyche (see Episode 7 if you don’t know the story). “Don’t be so sad, Belle. Things aren’t quite as bad as they appear. Here, you will receive the reward you so richly deserve that has always been denied you out in the world. You’re a smart woman, Belle. Use that. Find your way through the maze of deceptions and lies to find me. You might find that I am better company than a family of sisters who despise you for being nice to them. We could perhaps learn to love one another, Belle, and I think that you alone can save me and bring me happiness. If so, I swear to save you and bring you happiness as well.”
Belle was taken aback by the courtly, honeyed words of this beautiful stranger. No one had ever been this nice to her, not even the few suitors who had flirted with the youngest daughter (most had been more interested in the elder daughters, who probably would have had a larger dowry). “That’s…that’s one hell of an offer your making. Assuming I believe you, what would I have to do?” “Just keep your eyes open and your wits about you and, above all, do not abandon me to this torment I endure.”
The canal and the young man dissolved to be replaced with a magnificent room she had never seen before. Standing at its center was a majestic lady, striking both for her beauty and for the strength she radiated. Belle found herself respecting this woman and suspected that she was someone used to being heeded. Her voice was steel wrapped in velvet, soft and strong at the same time. “Belle, try not to dwell on what you have lost. Greatness awaits you, if you have the nerve and the cunning to seize it. Do not be deceived, Belle.”
The dream dissolved again and again and again. She found herself in a hundred different places, but each time, the young man was there in a different outfit. Each time, he greeted her and told her sweet nothings and begged for her help. It was, by far, the best dream she had ever had. She longed to stay nestled safely inside it, for she knew what awaited her upon waking, but she could not stay asleep forever.
The sound of the clock striking twelve on her bedside table dragged her out of the pleasant arms of the dream. She lay there, trying to find sleep again, but she could not. Sighing, Belle daydreamed for a moment about the handsome, princely man she had conjured in her dreams, then cast him away as a fantasy. She was awake, and now she had to face grim reality.
Against one wall, she spied a vanity set with anything she could possibly want for getting ready to face the remains of the day. Feeling better than she would have thought possible, she left her room and wandered into a dining room where she found that lunch had just been set out. The table was set for one, so she ate alone, in silence. With nothing to do but focus on eating, her meal was soon over. She had nothing to do, and didn’t particularly want to wander the castle aimlessly, so she went back to her room. She collapsed despondently onto the sofa.
Her mind wandered, and she found herself thinking of the princely young man who had haunted her dreams. “You alone can bring me happiness,” she repeated to herself. She figured that, like her, this young man must also be a prisoner of the dreadful Beast. Since she was already condemned to death, she could see no reason not to try and free him before she was executed. After several impossible fantasies of rescuing him and riding off together, Belle shook her head sadly. “I’m being foolish. It’s fun to get lost in this dream I’ve concocted, but he’s only a dream, gone as soon as I awoke. I should stop wasting time thinking about my stupid dream and focus on trying to pass whatever time I have left here. There’s no sense in sitting around depressed for the last days of my brief life.”
Belle forced herself off the sofa and decided that maybe she did indeed want to wander the castle for a bit. She didn’t think she could sleep again so soon after waking anyway. In spite of herself, she found herself absolutely enchanted by the place. Every room she explored was breathtakingly beautiful and sublimely impressive. The first room she found was decorated floor to ceiling with countless ornate mirrors. It was eerie but magical to see herself multiplied all the way to infinity on every side as she walked through. In another room, she found an exquisite bracelet hanging from an ornate chandelier. On the walls there, she found several masterful paintings, including one of a handsome young knight.
Belle felt like the breath had been knocked out of her. She knew this knight. It was impossible, but it was the young man from her dreams. She was certain of it. As much as she had tried to put him out of her mind, he had lingered there, and his features were engraven on her mind’s eye. She couldn’t fail to recognize his face when she saw it again. But how? Maybe this was what he had meant by telling her not to be deceived? Maybe he’d meant that she shouldn’t be tricked into thinking he was just a dream? On an impulse, she snapped the bracelet on her wrist. She didn’t know if this was allowed or not, but she didn’t care. She’d found it in a strange place right next to his impossible portrait, and wearing it made her feel closer to him.
From there, she headed into what turned out to be a huge gallery of incredible paintings. In it, she found another painting of the young knight, this one life sized. She almost felt as though his eyes were burning into her soul and she found herself blushing at his imaginary attention. Flushed, breathing heavy, and more than a little turned on by his gorgeous face, she continued on through the gallery and on to a hall filled with instruments. As she was very well educated for a lady of her time, she knew how to play almost every one of them and she spent some time trying them out. She found that she preferred the harpsichord as it accompanied her voice better.
When she grew bored of playing to an empty hall, she went on and found a second great gallery which turned out to be an immense library. She had always loved to read (so Disney got that bit right, at least), but ever since they had moved out to the country, she had not had access to any books. They were expensive, and her father had sold all of the books he still had when they had fallen on financial ruin. Now, she had time enough at last to read to her heart’s content. There was nothing like getting lost in a book or studying some new subject to keep her from feeling the isolation of this empty castle. Night was falling, and she decided to go back to her room and leave the library for later. She wandered back, noticing that the lamps had already been lit with perfumed candles set in candelabra, all of which were either transparent or streaked with pale color and made, she soon realized, not of crystal or glass, but of diamonds and rubies.
It was by then dinner time, and so Belle went back to the great hall to find that dinner had been prepared for her and was waiting. Again, the meal looked exquisite, and again, no human was there to speak with her. Her father had warned her about the odd emptiness of the castle and its lack of any visible servants, but she found herself adjusting to the solitude. She’d always had to share her life with 11 other siblings, half of whom hated her. Being alone for once wasn’t all bad. No sooner had the thought crossed her mind than the lumbering footsteps of the Beast began to sound from a nearby room. Shit, he was coming towards her.
She hadn’t yet had to spend any time alone with the horrid thing, and she wasn’t at all sure what to expect. Most likely, she figured, he’d been fattening and sweetening her up with this fine meal she’d been eating so that she would taste better now. She trembled, certain that her doom was at hand. She only hoped it would be a quick death.
As he entered, though, he didn’t seem to be in a particularly bad mood (though it was hard to be sure with all of those mismatched fangs and teeth behind that grotesque trunk). She found her nerve. If she was to die, she would do so with her head held high. “Good evening, Belle.” “Good evening, Beast.” He sat down and began to ask her about herself, and even asked her how she had spent her first day here. “To be honest, I spent most of the day just exploring, but your home is so vast that I haven’t yet had time to see every room or the wonders they hold.”
“Do you think you will get used to living here, Belle?” “I don’t think it will be too hard to adjust to living in a spectacular palace, sir.” He grunted at that. As they spoke, it occured to Belle that, though his voice sounded ferocious, that was mostly because of the inhuman teeth and throat he was speaking with. She judged that he wasn’t so much savage as he was stupid. Yeah, he was definitely stupid (though she was too clever by half to tell him that).
The Beast paused, apparently unable to come up with another bit of polite chatter. “Will you fuck me?” She shrieked in surprise and horror. “Oh, God, I am lost!” This caught Belle totally flat-footed. She’d prepared herself for a lot of terrible fates, but having to suck a monster’s dick had never entered into the equation. All of her terror, which had subsided during the meal, rushed back. He was massive, and if he wanted to rape her, she knew there was nothing at all she could do to stop him. Still, he had asked at least.
“Answer the question, Belle. Yes or no?” She knew the answer he wanted, but she decided she’d rather die than be intimidated into losing her virginity to a literal monster. “No, Beast.” He stood abruptly at her answer, and she quailed expecting rage, but he simply nodded to her. “Since you will not take me to your bed, I shall go to my own. Good night, Belle.”
Belle sat shivering at the table for a long time after he left. She was relieved, but she didn’t know whether to trust her relief. Nothing about this situation made sense. The Beast had clearly wanted one of her father’s daughters as a sex toy, which is why he hadn’t killed the merchant, but then why wasn’t he just taking what he wanted? He was a monster and she was his prisoner. No one would ever know or be able to stop him. She shook her head. She wasn’t going to solve this tonight. It was late and she was tired. Two surges of mortal terror can have that effect. She headed back to her own room, grateful not to encounter her captor, and went to bed.
Again, Belle dreamed. Almost as soon as she closed her eyes, she found herself looking at her handsome knight, and her heart fluttered. He took her hand gently in his. “It’s wonderful to see you again, Belle. It gives me some small comfort in this wretched place.” She opened her mouth to reply, but the scene shimmered and shifted around her. She saw the man offering her a crown, then she saw him bowed at her feet and weeping, though from sorrow or from joy she could not tell. The scene kept shifting throughout the dream, wavering between deep joy and abject sorrow, and she wasn’t sure if it was her own mind doing this, or the knight (who she had decided must be a prince). It turns out that she’s right, because (in case you haven’t guessed already) this handsome young man is the Prince from our last episodes, sent to suffer as the Beast’s captive.
When she woke, Belle worried that she was going mad. Was the man in her dreams really the man from the portraits? Was he really a prisoner here, like her? She rushed down to the gallery and sought out his picture, confirming that he was indeed the man of her dreams. She stayed there a long time, gazing into his painted eyes. She knew that she couldn’t stay here forever though, so she took the smaller miniature of him and brought it with her when she left.
It was a fine day outside, for all that it was still winter in the rest of the country, so she went down to the gardens to enjoy it. She was enchanted by the riotous growth of nature, as she had always loved natural beauty. The groves were adorned with elegant statues and innumerable fountains, sparkling jets of water launched so high they were almost out of sight. They could have given the Bellagio fountains in Las Vegas a run for their money.
What surprised her, though, was that so many of the spots she found seemed eerily familiar. She was sure that here and there, she recognized places where she and her beloved prince had spent time together in her dreams. When she reached the canal bordered with orange trees, she became certain. Here, then, was further proof that her dreams were more than just dreams. They were real. She and the prince were trapped in this castle, even in their shared dreams. As she strolled, she decided that she would ask the Beast about his mysterious prisoner tonight, assuming he showed up at dinner to watch her eat again.
She explored the castle, finding plenty of rooms she still hadn’t seen, including a room dedicated to sewing and needlework and an aviary with a breathtaking view of the gardens. She delighted in the brightly colored birds, cooing at them. “Charming little prisoners, you are all adorable! I wish you were closer to my room so that I could hear you sing when I woke up each morning.” She whistled and laughed at the pretty little birds and went on to the next room…which was her own bedroom. “What the fuck? I walked a long way from my room to get here, taking many turnings and going through a lot of different rooms on my way. I must have gotten turned around. Weird.” She noticed that part of the wall was retractable, so she could open it to hear the birds or leave it closed and have peace and quiet. She resolved to pay closer attention to where she was going so as to not get lost again and continued to ramble.
She found another aviary, this one filled with parrots instead of songbirds. The squawked at her and spoke to her. “Squawk, good morning! Squawk, Polly want a cracker! Squawk, give us a kiss, pretty lady!” As if to outshine these first three, other birds sang opera or recited poetry to her. Like the songbird aviary, there were no cages in the room, and the brightly colored birds flocked around her, completely docile and friendly. Although she knew it was just mimicry (very advanced mimicry), she still delighted in having someone to talk to. The solitude was weighing heavy on her. She asked them questions and received witty, cogent replies. She found one who was her clear favorite, but when she told him that, the others cried and complained so loudly that she had to console them with coos and pets. It took finally promising them that they could come see her whenever they wanted for them to settle down.
In another nearby room, she found maybe her favorite room yet: the monkey house. There were monkeys and apes of all sizes, from teeny tiny to almost as large as the Beast. As she entered, they approached her as a group and bowed, then they all danced and did acrobatic tricks to amuse her. They danced on a tightrope and swung from the ceiling. It was wonderfully amusing, but she couldn’t help but be a little sad that, in all of her searching, she still had found no sign of her imprisoned prince. She hugged them and scratched their heads and said she would like it very much if some of them wanted to explore the castle with her.
No sooner had she made the offer than two tall apes dressed like courtiers stepped forward as though they had been waiting for her instructions. They fell in beside her with great gravity, and she struggled not to laugh at the serious look on their bearded monkey faces. Two smaller monkeys grabbed her train and acted as page boys and a baboon dressed as a Spanish lord presented her with his gloved hand to escort her to supper. He pulled her chair out for her to sit, and as she ate, the little birds whistled and warbled a merry tune, with the parrots singing along to the popular songs. The monkeys acted as her attendants, serving her with an attentiveness normally reserved for queens.
As dessert arrived, a new group of monkeys appeared, dressed in elaborate costumes complete with lace and pearls. They struck a pose in front of her and began to perform an elaborate tragedy, acting out all of the parts with subtlety and grace. The parrots, hiding in the monkey’s wigs and collars, provided the dialog, creating a surprisingly seamless experience. It was a play she had never seen before, and she could only assume that someone had written it explicitly for this odd acting company. When the play (and dessert) was over, the actors all bowed theatrically, and one monkey advanced to offer her gracious thanks for her patronage of their show. She thanked them in turn for the entertainment and they left her alone with her servant monkeys.
Her delight was not to last, however. Soon after the monkeys left, she heard the booming thuds of the approaching Beast. He again asked after her about her day, going through almost the exact same list of questions and comments as the day before. The conversation petered out again, and again he asked her to fuck him. Again she said no, and he accepted her rejection and went to bed. It was only after her Lady Apes of the Bedchamber began to help her undress and ready for bed that she realized she had forgotten to ask the Beast about her nightly visitor. “Tomorrow,” she told herself, knowing she was lying. She wasn’t yet ready to have this little fantasy with her prince end, and she feared what the Beast would do if he found out she was mooning over the only other man in the castle, and his prisoner to boot. “Tomorrow.”
Belle is off to visit the man of her dreams and cavort in the fantasy gardens, and so must we too be off, which means it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s monsters are the literally-named dames blanches.
So you find yourself out in the French wilderness alone after nightfall because you apparently haven’t learned yet just how pants-shittingly dangerous ancient France is. You’re coming up on a ravine at the Rue Quentin at Bayeux in Normandy when you see a woman rise up from the darkness. She is tall, thin, and pale with long dark tresses, and she is dressed entirely in a white that is almost luminescent in the darkness. She introduces herself as Le Dame d’Aprigny and then she makes an odd request. “Before you pass this river, stranger, will you dance for me?”
You’re a bit taken aback. It’s late, you’re tired, and to be honest, not the best dancer. You don’t really feel like putting on a show for this weird, random woman in the woods, so you tell her no. She…doesn’t take your rejection well. With a soul-shivering wail, she lunges at you, seizes you with hands that are far too strong for a woman her size, and lifts you in the air over her head. Oh shit, she’s gonna kill your ass, right? Fortunately, she’s more about petty vindictiveness than murderous rage, and she hurls you into a huge patch of thistles. Your skin is burning with the thistle stings by the time you climb out, but at least you are still alive to continue on your way.
Le Dame d’Aprigny is one of the better known versions of le dames blanches, which literally translates to white women. As you might guess, given their name, they’re a bit extra. They’re not usually dangerous so much as annoying. They lurk in narrow, dark places like ravines, fords, caves, and under bridges and will appear to passing travelers. In order to pass, these ladies will request something of the traveler, usually small and specific to the particular lady. Some (like the lady described earlier) will ask the traveler to dance with her for a few minutes and will courteously thank her partner for obliging before allowing them to pass; others would ask riddles; still others, such as the one under the Pont d’Angot bridge in the Falaise district, will only allow travelers to pass unmolested if they approached her bridge on their knees. Anyone too proud to do so would be attacked by a horde of savage lutins (a type of hobgoblin), cats, owls, and other small forest creatures until they managed to get far enough away to be left alone.
Similar creatures exist in Germanic and Dutch mythology (known as weisse frauen and witte wieven respectively, which both translate to white women in the local languages), and are generally considered to be a relatively harmless variety of fae. Some historians believe that they are a corrupted version of pre-Christian goddesses, possibly the Matres, a form of guardian goddess who watched over the home. Some variations are more lethal, with their appearances foretelling the death of a loved one similar to the Irish banshee, but mostly, they simply provided an object lesson in humility, so if you are approached by a pale woman dressed entirely in white in a tight, dark place, it’s probably best to do what she says so she doesn’t exact her petty vengeance.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you like what you’ve heard, I’d appreciate a review on iTunes. These reviews really help increase the show’s standing and let more people know it exists. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff, whom you can find on fiverr.com.
Next time, we’ll follow Belle as she discovers some of the weirder aspects of this magical castle. You’ll learn that mirrors can do anything, that the opera is no match for people watching, and that you should always open mysterious doors in strange magical places. Then, in Gods and Monsters, you’ll meet the French monster who’d made thousands of nerds abandon all hope. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.