Episode 104 – Charlotte’s Web – Myths Your Teacher Hated

Episode 104 Show Notes

Source: Portuguese Folklore

This week on MYTH, love is in the air, but so are some eight-legged creepy crawlies. You’ll learn how to make a spider house out of bread, how to pilot a rooster, and how to get rich in the shoe business. Then, in Gods and Monsters, spiders aren’t the only arachnids in search of love. This is the Myths Your Teacher Hated podcast, where I tell the stories of cultures from around the world in all of their original, bloody, uncensored glory. Modern tellings of these stories have become dry and dusty, but I’ll be trying to breathe new life into them. This is Episode 104, “Charlotte’s Web”. As always, this episode is not safe for work.
This week’s story comes from the Portuguese Folktales collection by Consiglieri Pedroso, translated by Henriqueta Monteiro from 1882. Once upon a time, there lived a boy whose mother and father wanted him to learn a trade. You know, like most parents who weren’t rich nobles. The son couldn’t imagine wanting anything less than working his hands to the bone in some bullshit job (which I can relate to). His parents were insistent and so he begrudgingly took an apprenticeship as a cobbler. He hated it as much as he’d figured he would.
His father died not too long thereafter, and the son promptly said ‘fuck this shit’ and quit on the spot. His mother was understandably furious with him for this decision, which he had not bothered to consult her (or anyone else) on. If her lazy son wasn’t going to pull his weight in the household (especially without her husband to help pay the bills now) then he could get his lazy ass out of her house. The son stuck to his guns, refusing to return to shoemaking and so his mother kicked him out onto the street. Well, shit.
He dusted himself off and stood up tall, defying his mother. “Just you wait – when I come back, I’ll be a rich man! And I’ll marry the first female I come across! That isn’t really relevant to the situation we’re fighting about but it’s important to the plot so whatever!” Putting his few possessions (which mostly consisted of shoemaking tools) into a basket, he strode away with the wounded pride of someone who was in the wrong but refused to acknowledge it. Now, you’ll notice that I said ‘female’ and not ‘woman’. That’s not just some weird sexist terminology, it’s a direct translation of his very specific wording. That’s about to become relevant.
The young man walked away from his home and everything he had ever known without looking backwards. He walked for many leagues (with three miles to a league), leaving behind his village and wandering through some thick forests and some wild, overgrown places. He eventually came to a large square stone and, being tired from his long walk, he decided to sit for a spell and have some lunch. He didn’t have much food with him beyond a loaf of bread, so he snacked on that as he sat on the rock. As he sat and ate, a large spider crawled out from beneath the rock. Being apparently very well-versed in spider anatomy, he knew that this particular spider was female, which met his very broad requirements. True to his vow, he declared “Hello there, little spider. You shall be my wife.”
This wasn’t exactly a question, but the spider considered his declaration and decided she was okay with it. She crawled inside his basket and made her herself at home inside. In a surprisingly considerate move for the boy, he made a cozy hole in the remaining loaf of bread for his new arachnid fiance to live in. She happily crawled inside, and so the young man picked up his basket and continued on his way.
He walked and he walked and just for a change of pace, he walked some more. At long last, he left the wilderness behind and came to something approaching civilization. Off in the distance, standing all alone, he spied an old house that appeared to have been abandoned. Figuring that no one would care if he and his new spider bride squatted there, the young man carried her across the threshold in his basket and made himself quite at home. The basket he placed on the floor and opened the lid. The large spider crawled her way out of her hidey hole in the loaf of bread, across the floor, up the wall, and onto the ceiling. There, she promptly began to spin herself a web – her own semi-private room inside their new home. The young man smiled up at her. “That’s what I like to see in a woman – already hard at work.” The spider, naturally enough, said nothing in response. It’s unclear if she simply didn’t feel like speaking or if she was slightly offended by her theoretical husband’s comments. I’m not entirely sure I like our protagonist, but the spider bride is positively delightful – very Charlotte from Charlotte’s web.
The young man’s distaste for working in general and for cobbling in particular had gotten him into this mess. Now that he was here in an abandoned house outside a strange village where he knew absolutely no one, he found that his hated shoemaking skills were the only thing he had to brandish against imminent starvation. Thus did he head into the closest nearby village to seek out work. It just so happened that there was no resident cobbler in this particular village and the people were tired of making the long walk to another town whenever they needed shoes made or repaired. The young man was welcomed into their midst to ply his cobbling arts – which, to be clear, is almost exactly what he was doing at home that made him act up. Being the only cobbler for miles around, he found plenty of work and began to make quite a comfortable living. He might have hated his trade, but he was still pretty good at it, so he began to amass himself a little fortune (helped along by not having to pay any kind of rent for his squatter’s paradise).
Time passed in this way. The youth went into town and made a killing in the shoe business and then returned home to his spider wife, who spun her webs busily throughout the place. The money just kept rolling in, so the young man spent some to furnish the place with more than the dusty shit that had been abandoned there by the previous owners (who no one ever bothers to wonder about, so I won’t either). It made the place a lot more homey, so he decided to splurge a little and hire a maid to care for his spider bride – who, despite their strange meet-cute and unorthodox marriage, he was truly quite fond of.
For her part, the maid was more than a little confused when the young man pointed out the spider living on the ceiling and identified her as the lady of the house. She might also have been a little terrified of this obvious nutter butter right up until he left and the spider herself crawled down from her perch. To the maid’s utter shock, the spider spoke. She directed the maid in the general upkeep of the house – sending her out to the chicken coop to kill a chicken for her husband’s dinner, directing her to the kitchen and showing her where the dishes were and how to light the clay stove, and generally taking charge. The maid shrugged. A job was a job, right? In the grand scheme of things, it didn’t really make a difference if she was taking her order from a lady or a spider, so she hopped to it.
When the cobbler came home from the village that night, he found the old house in tip top shape. Everything had been swept and dusted (except for the spider bride’s webs, of course) and the air was filled with the delicious aroma of herb-roasted chicken. It was everything he’d hoped for when he hired the maid. The young man smiled up at his beloved spider. “You truly are the best of wives!” He turned to the maid, who was busying herself setting out dinner. “See what a good choice I have made in picking my wife?” She nodded dutifully. She wasn’t about to argue with the boss man about something that mattered not at all.
The spider smiled in arachnid fashion, basking in her husband’s appreciation. To thank him in return for his help and good nature, she began to unfasten some of her complex webwork. It turned out that she had been creating incredibly intricate embroidery to decorate and beautify the house. These she laid with a careful eye (or eight) and impeccable taste until their little squat looked positively magnificent. It was a fine life and a happy marriage, and so things continued in this way for the next year. The young man’s fortune continued to amass to the point where he found he no longer needed to work as a cobbler, allowing him to finally quit for good and indulge in a life of idleness for a bit.
Now I have to wonder just how in the everloving fuck this man managed to get that rich in one year making shoes. Even adjusting for all of the fairytale shenanigans going on, the math simply doesn’t add up. As it turned out, the young man himself didn’t really know where the wealth came from, but he also didn’t much care to ask. As long as it kept showing up, who cared? Food, clothing, and any other necessities just seemed to show up in the house without his asking for it or doing anything at all to acquire it, which suited him just fine.
Things were going just splendidly and the young man and his spider bride wanted for nothing at all. Their maid had quickly adjusted to this unusual little family and found that she quite liked it here. The spider lady was kind and charitable, the young man wasn’t dickish or handsy, and the money was good and steady. Everybody was winning. With plenty of time on his hands, the young man thought back over the strange path that had brought him to his current happy circumstances. When he got kicked out on the street a year ago with nothing but his basket of tools and a loaf of bread, he could scarcely have imagined that he would come this far in only a year. Sure, he had made grand boasts to his mother on his way out, but he could admit now that they had been full of empty pride and not much else. Thinking of his mother, the young man decided that it was about time that he make a trip back home. His mother deserved to see how well her son had done for himself (and he would enjoy rubbing his success in her incredulous face just a little).
After talking things over with the household, the young man decided to make the journey before the swiftly approaching end of the year. Things were packed up and two horses were saddled (because they were now wealthy enough to own multiple horses). He called the maid over before heading out. “You’ve been an invaluable part of this household for the last year, and I couldn’t imagine doing this whole thing without your help. As you know, I’m heading back to my childhood home to visit my mother, and I want you to play the part of my wife. I want my mother to know that I am happily married, but I’m not sure she would understand the truth of the real situation. Not everyone is as compassionate and understanding as you.” The maid, who by now quite liked the young man in a totally platonic way, was more than happy to play along with this charade. The two of them mounted the pair of horses and headed out.
The only entity who wasn’t entirely on board with the young man’s plan was the spider bride. The story doesn’t really explain where this disconnect came from. She can clearly talk, since she speaks to the maid, but we never see her speak to her husband. Maybe it’s part of the fairytale magic nonsense that the story just glosses over or maybe the young man had simply resolved to do things his way, ignoring any objections his lady wife might have raised. I don’t know and the story doesn’t say, so feel free to fill in the gaps however you like.
As the young man and the maid were preparing the horses, the spider bride crawled down from her perch on the ceiling and headed out to the chicken coop. The only bird there at the moment was the rooster. Shrugging (which is an especially impressive maneuver with eight legs), the spider lady crawled up onto the cock, climbed inside of it, and controlled it from inside like a meat suit. No, really. The story very clearly says that she climbed into the chicken and used it to follow after the young man and the maid like some kind of feathery mech suit. That image is probably the creepiest thing in the whole damned story.
Piloting her horrifying chicken suit, the spider bride followed after the two horses. Fortunately for her, the rooster was able to keep up with the larger but slow-moving animals as they left the old house behind. The young man followed the same path he had followed a year ago until, at last, they came to the small woods he had stopped in for lunch. Feeling nostalgic, he decided to stop here again and sit on the very rock where he had first met his spider bride.
He and the maid sat down on the rock to rest. Looking back the way they’d come, the young man saw the creepy, twitching, semi-zombie cock heading his way. It saw him in turn and began to crow: “Ki kiri ki, ki kiri kioh! Here is the king and I am the queen oh oh!” Obviously (at least to us outside the story world), this was the spider bride speaking and not the poor, poor rooster. As she crowed through her ensnared mount’s beak, the stone beneath the young man split in half. As the pieces fell to the earth, the rock transformed into a magnificent, human-sized palace. At the same time, the spider bride grew and warped until a beautiful human princess stood in her place. I really hope she crawled out of the rooster before transforming, but the story doesn’t mention it.
The young man immediately recognized this princess as his beloved spider wife and was thrilled that he now had a way to introduce her to his mother in person. The young couple had another, slightly more official wedding ceremony, reaffirming their existing relationship. In doing so, the young man went from semi-retired cobbler to king (or at least prince consort) to his spider queen. They continued on to greet the young man’s astonished mother and, after relating his incredible fortune, they brought her back to live with them at the palace. The maid, having made herself invaluable to the newly-royal couple, was made the queen’s lady in waiting, which was a nice promotion for her as well. And everyone lived happily ever after. Despite some odd moments of body horror, this is a really sweet story. And so, with the young man now assured of never having to fix another shoe, it’s time for Gods and Monsters. This is a segment where I get into a little more detail about the personalities and history of one of the gods or monsters from this week’s pantheon that was not discussed in the main story. This week’s magical arachnid is the little tick.
This story also comes from the Portuguese Folktales collection and continues our magical wee beastie trend. Once upon a time, two brothers and a sister lived together. Being quite poor (which is part of why they all lived together), the brothers announced to their sister one day that the time had come for the two of them to head out into the world to seek their fortune. The sister understood their desire and, although she would miss them dearly, she wished them well in their endeavors. She asked only that they return to visit her in a year’s time.
They set out along a straight, well-trod road that led away from their village into parts unknown. In time, they came to a spot they had not visited before where the road split into two narrow paths. They had no idea what lay down each of the two paths and therefore no way to determine which road to follow. After a little discussion, it was resolved that they would split the party so that each brother could follow one of the roads. When the year was up and they came back to visit their sister, they would meet at that fork in the road before heading the rest of the way home together. The elder brother took the left path, which led him to a large, well-to-do farm. He soon found employment there as a laborer and spent his year in hard but honest work. The younger brother took the right-hand path and followed it for a very long ways until it finally led him to a very old palace that appeared to have been deserted.
Having nowhere else to go and not wanting to spend the night outside if he didn’t have to, the young man went inside the palace to explore. It was every bit as deserted as it had appeared, but he found that it was still an incredibly beautiful place. His stomach growled and the younger brother wished that he had a nice dinner fit for his environment. Lo and behold, a table suddenly appeared from nowhere right in front of him, laden with an array of delicious foods. That was weird, but he wasn’t about to turn his nose up at a free meal, so he ate heartily. When he was finished and wished to sleep, a comfy looking bed replaced the table. Yawning hugely, the young man climbed into the bed and fell asleep.
Sometime in the night, he was awoken from a sound sleep by the feeling of something cold and clammy against his skin. Something small but disturbing was in the bed with him. He freaked out, as anyone would (especially in a pitch-black room without any access to light) but a voice from the darkness told him not to worry. This strange but seemingly benevolent figure joined the young man in bed each night (in a purely platonic way) and he soon lost his fear of it and even began to have long conversations with the mystery voice. A year passed in this way, with the young man enjoying his time in the palace and kind of assuming that he had already found what he was looking for. When the year was nearly up, he told his mysterious companion with the feminine voice about his promise to his siblings and that he must return home soon. The voice gave him its blessing to leave and, the next night, offered him a brand-new suit of clothes that fit perfectly as well as a horse and some money. The next morning, the young man set out for home.
His brother was waiting for him at the crossroads and they shook hands in greeting. The elder brother’s hand was tanned and calloused from a year of hard work under the sun while the younger brother’s was soft and white from a year of easy living in a palace. Saving their stories for when they could all be together, they walked the last bit of road side by side to see their sister, who was overjoyed to have them both back. They visited with her for a bit before deciding that they needed to return to their adventures out in the world. The sister nodded sagely and handed each a pound of flax (a fibrous plant used to make clothing) and asked that each bring their flax home spun at the end of the next year. Each agreed to their sister’s request and set out again.
The younger brother returned to his abandoned palace, flax in hand. That night, he crawled into bed and waited for his companion to join him for their nightly discussion. Over the course of their friendship, the voice had finally revealed its identity – it was, in fact, an enormous tick. Somehow, I don’t think that revelation would make me feel better. The tick told her friend that spinning flax was a very easy thing to do and he needn’t worry about it just yet. They had plenty of time. The two soon fell back into their routine and, before they knew it, another year was almost up. The younger brother remembered his promise to his sister with just a little mix of guilt and panic that he wouldn’t get it done in time. He asked the tick to help him out like she said she could and, in an instant, the flax was woven into very fine cloth. She packed it on his horse and gave him another new set of fine clothes for the journey along with some more money.
He again met his older brother at the crossroads and saw that he was holding a great wad of coarse, ugly yellow cloth that had been crumpled more than folded. He smiled at his brother and then asked where his flax was? Had he forgotten to spin it? The elder brother gaped when the younger produced the small basket that the tick had packed the woven flax into, shocked that he had done such an impressive job with the weaving. Wondering at his brother’s strange skills, he walked beside his baby bro as they headed down the path for home again. Their sister was again thrilled to see them and took their cloth (I’m assuming to sell but the story doesn’t say). Before they left again, she gave them each a puppy to raise into a young dog. Having cared for many young, bitey pups, I know what a big ask this can really be.
The brothers again returned to their lives. The tick was a little surprised to see the younger brother bring a puppy into her house to raise. Still, she was a very accommodating arachnid (not unlike the spider bride) and she took the puppy away to raise without bothering the young man at all until the year was up. She brought the puppy out before he headed again for his annual visit home, neatly packed in a basket (though very much alive and healthy). He met his elder brother, who was trailed by a large, powerful, and very loyal doggo.
Their sister was delighted by their success with the dogs, which had apparently been some kind of low-key test, I guess. Before they left again, she told them each that they should bring home their wives to visit as she wished to meet her sisters-in-law. That’s a pretty presumptuous request since the brothers haven’t actually discussed their love lives. The elder brother readily agreed, saying that he was engaged to the daughter of the man who owned the farm he worked for. The younger brother hemmed and hawed and avoided a definitive answer. He hadn’t thought much about marriage, and the only creature he knew out in the world, and also the only female one, was the palace tick.
Brooding over the problem, the younger brother returned to the palace. As was their custom, he and the tick conversed that night in bed and he told her all about his sister’s request for the next year. He could almost hear the tick considering in the darkness. “We’ve known each other for several years now and I think we both quite like each other. Would you want to marry me?” The young man thought about this. “Honestly, maybe. The problem is that you are so very small. I don’t think it would work. You know. Physically.” She might be very large for a tick, but that was still very, very small compared to a human.
The tick told him that he need not worry about that little detail with a smile in her voice. Having learned to trust her by now, he duly put the concern out of his mind for the next year. As the annual trip home approached however, he began to think again about his half-hearted agreement to marry the tick. What would his family think when he came home with a tiny arachnid literally on his arm? It was an embarrassing thought. The brothers had planned a joint wedding and on the appointed wedding day, the once-abandoned palace was decorated in regal splendor that it hadn’t seen for many years. More surprising, it was suddenly full of pages and ladies in waiting. Most surprising of all, the little tick lady had become the most beautiful woman the young man had ever seen, dressed in such finery that she could only be a princess – which made sense, what with the whole magic palace thing.
Once he had gotten over his shock and reaffirmed his desire to marry the magical tick, they climbed into waiting carriages and rode for the young man’s home. They didn’t go alone though – their royal carriage was part of a great procession as befitting their apparent rank. They soon came to the crossroads, where the elder brother was waiting with his country fiance (who the story says was from the suburbs of Lisbon). The two climbed into the carriage with the younger brother and the tick princess and continued on for home. Both couples were then married in a joint ceremony at their sister’s house, and then all of them came back to the palace with the younger brother and his new tick bride, where they all lived happily ever after. Apparently, the moral of this week is if you meet a helpful arachnid lady, marry her. For those of you who have listened to the Magnus Archives podcast, this whole thing gives me big Web energy. Statement ends.
That’s it for this episode of Myths Your Teacher Hated. Keep up with new episodes on our Facebook page, on iTunes, on Stitcher, on TuneIn, on Vurbl, and on Spotify, or you can follow us on Twitter as @HardcoreMyth and on Instagram as Myths Your Teacher Hated Pod. You can also find news and episodes on our website at myths your teacher hated dot com. If you have any questions, any gods or monsters you’d want to learn about, or any ideas for future stories that you’d like to hear, feel free to drop me a line. I’m trying to pull as much material from as many different cultures as possible, but there are all sorts of stories I’ve never heard, so suggestions are appreciated. The theme music is by Tiny Cheese Puff.

Next time, we’re heading into the Dreamtime of the Aboriginal people of Australia but be warned – here there be monsters. You’ll discover what old ladies snack on, how many dogs is too many dogs, and why you should always check your kill. Then, in Gods and Monsters, we’ll meet a mysterious shapeshifting predator that stalks the wildest parts of the Outback. That’s all for now. Thanks for listening.